Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

Every Friday, I find myself doing the same thing: In my apartment, hanging with my equally unfortunate-in-love roommate. I think of myself as not totally ugly, yet I am not approached as often as I would like. I am starting to feel extremely insecure about myself, since I am 20 years old and have never had a boyfriend or a first kiss.

When will I find myself someone to knock boots with? Not only am I horny, but I long for someone to do fun things with (like skating, playing a sport, etc.). How do I approach someone? At this point, I may even consider going gay if that will get me somewhere.

Signed,

—I See 28 Cats In My Future

Dear Halle Berry,

Twenty-eight cats in your future? That sounds great. I’m picturing a bathtub full of kitties right now, and I can’t imagine why that would be a bad thing. Minus the whole animal cruelty thing, of course.

The truth is, you’re not that far out of the norm. There are plenty of people out there that are far less experienced than yourself, and you are still a young lass. Don’t fret — the time will come.

I think the key to roping in some men is selling your strong suits. For example, you’re not totally ugly. And deep down, that’s what men want. As long as a man can stomach looking at you face, you’re golden. Make a profile on an online dating site, no photo, and run that beautiful description along with it. You’ll be rolling in dudes instead of kitties in no time.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’ve really liked this girl for the longest time, but she always had a boyfriend. The two of them together were really attractive, so their relationship was glamorous in that sense, but her ex-boyfriend always cheated on her; she would just never believe it.

They finally broke up a month ago and we’ve been talking and texting daily. She even asked me to hang out in the near future. I really want to let myself like her and go for this, but all my friends keep telling me she’s just on the rebound. I want to believe the best in this girl but I can’t help but be scared that I’m going to get hurt. What do you think?

—Rebound Boy

Dear Kevin Love,

It sounds like you’re set on making something real with this girl. You know, not just slamming her down for a quick two points. If that’s the case, you should wait it out a bit. Every break up is different, but a long relationship takes more than a month to recover from.

I’d hate to see such a nice and noble gentleman as you get used simply because the lady is missing the comfort of a man, and the one month stage is typically right around when that yearning kicks in. If it comes up, tell her you want to make sure she’s not just on the prowl for any piece of meat.

But don’t use those words.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I sure have troubles, Dr. Date! It all started when some aliens landed in my home area threatening to conquer us. They were tiny, so we challenged them to a game of basketball, but they somehow stole the skills of the best NBA stars (and Shawn Bradley for some bizarre reason) and now are more than twice our size!

To beat them in basketball, we went out and found ourselves the Goat, but that’s where the trouble REALLY started. This whole time, I thought I could win over the girl of my dreams; I just needed a spit shine. But Mike and his special stuff have made me worry I’m not good enough to be with her.

Please, Dr. Date, how can I convince her that I, not the man who is bringing back the Hitler mustache, am the guy for her before Newman is dunking?

—BB

Dear Wabbit,

When did a goat figure into Space Jam? What movie have I been watching? I’ve always thought that movie could have been improved with some farm animals — no offense to Foghorn Leghorn, of course — but to the best of my memory, it’s never happened.

Also, the Mighty Ducks entry was better.

—Dr. Date

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