Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
Your love expertise is greatly needed to address my serious love quandary. In general, I seem to leap into the friend zone with a guy long before we’ve even rounded first base. I have had one boyfriend, but he was only acquired after a long stint of my friends convincing him that I did in fact like him. I believe my problem links back to giving off the wrong vibes when I am around guys I like, and I don’t know how to fix this because it is perhaps my personality. For example, I have liked a guy this school year for a substantial period of time and tried to “flirt” with him. However, it seems to just come off as joking around, and he recently told me that he had a crush on someone else. Please prescribe me a remedy to my flirting problem and hopefully I will make a full recovery.
—Flirting Failure

Dear Final Fantasy,
Keep the bodily functions in a love interest’s presence to a minimum. Minus breathing — keep that at a steady level.
—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date and the pathetic young boys out there,
Why is it that the guys that have the least contact with women, no game, no swag, are the ones that are most judgmental about women?
Example: I have a set of friends that are quite shallow when it comes to girls. They typically only notice hot girls, sexy girls, yoga pant- and legging-wearing, big busted, blonde, etc., girls. While I understand that all men, to some extent, notice these features and rejoice, this is not the problem. Shallowness is not the problem.

My problem with this is that these guys have no contact with women, yet they still act as if THEY are the ones that are in a position to determine if a girl is “hot” or “sexy” or whatever. They are quiet and shy, play video games on a Friday night, never coming out to campus for school activities/events. Yet somehow they’re judging mass amounts of women based on looks.

Frankly put the situation is this: nerds checking out a variety of women as if they have a chance. Shallowness runs deep with these guys. What could I do to slap them out of this?
I just want to say: Get a damn clue about yourself before you think any woman is dying to know your judgment. You guys aren’t in a position to be judging any woman. No one is.

Do you feel me? Does this not anger you?
—Classy Man

Dear Sassy Man,
When you sit alone on Friday nights and have yet to feel a woman’s warm embrace, a fantasy is all you’ve got. It’s certainly not admirable that your friends are so misogynistic and shallow, but it’s not like they’re going to Google “homely girl porn.” But eventually they will be forced out of their troll caves and into the real world, and a woman with low standards will claim them as her own. Such is life.

I’d also like to point out that anyone who uses the words “game” or “swag” is also not in the position to judge anyone.
—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
As a little girl, all I ever did was read romantic books and hope someday I would find my Prince Charming. At the age of 15 I started dating and when each relationship  would end there would always be a new one. I truly fell in love when I was a junior in high school and dated the guy for about three years. I finally thought I had made a love story such as the “Twilight” love story. Too bad it wasn’t as much of a happy ending as I hoped it would’ve become. Let’s just say it was a BAD breakup.

I don’t blame him, but after our breakup I had become  how can I say this nicely — a player. Every nice guy that would come along I would end up hurting. I don’t understand why I keep messing up every good relationship.
—Only Loved Once

Dear Tough Love’s A-Comin’,
Congratulations! You have revolutionized yourself from being the player that hurts every man that you date into the victim. Problem solved!
Barring some deep psychoanalysis that I am just not capable of through traditional print media, there is nothing making you hurt these men. Time to let go of your “Prince Charming” and move on.
—Dr. Date