Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

I studied abroad this last semester in Germany and found a wonderful young mädchen that’s not only beautiful, but adventurous and curious about the world. I’m not so naive to say the “L word”or envision a life of wandering the world aimlessly, but my instincts tell me to stay with this relationship until I have a chance to return or she can come to America. How realistic would it be to stick this relationship out?

Verpflichtet

Verpflichtet

It’s not realistic — at all. But that’s just me — different time zones tend to mess with my equilibrium in all sorts of ways. Look, German people are really attractive, I know — probably hotter than any of us beasts.

Even ugly Germans are hot. Even the non-German Austrians you think are German are hot (ie: Jew Hunter Christoph Waltz).

You’ve got to give her up and get on with your life, as hard as that will be. If you stick onto her you’re not going to be able to live your own life.

So to get over her here’s what you do: eat some streusel, watch “Triumph of the Will,” weep a while then clean your bathroom until it’s spotless like any good German would.

D.D.

Dr. Dizzle,

Where are all the bitties this summer? All the quality meat on this campus seems to have fled for greener pastures and I’m here waving my sensors like a treasure hunter with a metal detector. Where are the gold rings? I’m just finding rusty soda cans.

Mr. Detector

Mr. Detector,

I find your letter hilariously ambitious and literate.

Anyway, I’m not entirely sure what constitutes a ‘gold ring’ for you, but in regards to campus terrain summer almost always promises a dryspell.

If the rest of the flock drifted towards greener pastures, I suggest you do the same bro.

 I know it’s tempting to stay inside the safe confines of Dinkytown and the even less promising Stadium Village, but there’s more to Minneapolis than Burritto Loco and Sally’s Saloon and Eatery.

D.D.

Dr. Date,

I’ve got a listening problem, and it’s cutting into my ability to get dates. I swear to God that I try, but I never remember names, majors, hometowns, etc. Do you have any tricks that will open my mind to these elusive proper nouns?

Mr. Deaf

Mr. Deaf,

I really hope you’re paying attention, because I have a feeling you’ll only read it once. But let’s get real for a minute — say you and your bros are out on the town and you find one of those proper honeys. Now, if you want to give her the “Mr. Deaf Special” you’ll want to, at the very least, remember her name.

When she tells you it, write it down. But don’t be a dolt and tell her that you’re writing down her name, and mayble she’ll take you for a writer. You’ll come off as creative, smart and mildly complicated, lending you a sort of superficial mystique.

D.D.

Dr. Date,

I’m from a small town in southwest Minnesota and I’m an incoming freshman. The campus is quaint in the summer, but once the sidewalks fill up in September I’m worried that with so many people I’ll struggle to find a community of my own. I’m going to miss my friends and family. Is it going to be as bad as I think?

Miss Minnesota

Dear Miss Minnesota,

If you’re intimidated by big crowds, there’s an easy way to make the world seem a little smaller round these parts. It’s really all about finding a niche. Fortunately the University of Minnesota offers a vast array of interest groups, sporting leagues and activist causes that operate year-round. Just try looking into the Students Unions and Activities website for more info. Oh, and they also got something for that debilitating drug problem... er, if that’s yer thing.

D.D.

Dr. Date,

Unlike my peers, I read the newspaper every morning and despise popular TV. Therefore I can’t really relate to anyone when they’re talking about “Teen Wolf”or any other crappy MTV show like that or whatever. Is there anything popular among my peers that somebody like me could enjoy without my brain rotting?

Mr. NYT

NYT,

Funny you ask, Mr. NYT, because the ol’ doc here was in a similar quandry at one point.

 As a long time American, I can’t think of any greater unifier than live sporting events. If you’re financially strapped, baseball is probably your best option. Now the St. Paul Saints are probably the last thing any Minnesotan would want to brag about, but it’s probably the most afforadable option if all you’re trying to do is get your friends together in the right place.

And while it’s not exactly the most mentally challenging activity, it doesn’t leave you feeling stupid about it. Oh, and the best part about it is you don’t have to be emotionally invested in any of it. Because really, who’s emotionally invested in the Saints?

If that doesn’t work, you should just go bowling. Seriously. Who hates bowling?

D.D.