Dr. Date

Dear Doctor,

Books are so [expletive] expensive this year ... Any suggestions for how to get into prostitution ... erm ... “escorting”? Craigslist?

What I lack in actual sexual “experience” I make up for in girth and enthusiasm.

—Poor and Horny

Poor and Horny,

So you are big in the pants and wish your bank account could be similarly well endowed. Sometimes when I’m a few quarters short of bus fare, I think I should put up an open offer for BJs to anyone who can cover me. This just goes to say that desperate times sometimes call for disproportionately desperate measures.

Sure, we can agree that books are expensive (and good fodder for a mediocre college comedian), but you lose me when you make the leap to prostituting yourself as a way of affording them.

Have you ever thought of maybe, you know, getting a day job?

Nothing against turnin’ tricks to “pay your way through college,” but I think a couple hours spent cleaning counters for UDS ain’t gonna kill ya.

If you only want to make your parents weep by getting your college-educated ass into prostitution as a way to pay for books (which may or may not be made of solid gold — how expensive are these things anyway?), then don’t do it.

You sound a little naive, so let me put it to you gently: When a pudgy 42-year-old mid-level manager is rammin’ you from behind in a seedy motel room, you might feel that spending a little more time searching for books on Amazon may have been worth it.

—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

Is it stupid and naive to get married at 21? When I find out people I know are getting married at this age, it usually seems to come with much gossip and snickering, but maybe I’m cynical.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for only year, and it seems like it might be best for our future to get married within the year. If we don’t do it this year or next, we may have to wait until 2014. It’s complicated.

Also, we are poor college kids, who probably can’t afford a decent wedding right now. But we are more in love than ever, and I really don’t want anyone else... ever. Try to make your diagnosis off of what little information I have to offer.

—MatriMary

MatriMary,

In a word: Yes. Unless you will somehow turn into a pumpkin at the stroke of an erection, I see no reason to seal the deal while you’re still in college.

If you wait until 2014, you’ll only be, what, 23? Not exactly a spinster, my dear. Young marriage can be a fountain of material for local gossips and others who take it upon themselves to criticize everyone around them. Do you really want your married life to be conceived in an atmosphere of sideways glances, pursed lips and murmured commentary?

Wait two years and people won’t even bat an eye. Sure, if we did only what was permitted by others, we’d all be fleece pullover-wearing, Bruce Springsteen-listening drones. But don’t take that as a cue to just hop in the Honda and haul ass to Vegas.

If you’re going to be together in 10 years, you’ll be together in 10 years. What’s there to worry about? Do you really want to be cramming for finals and picking out the centerpieces for your cash-strapped wedding reception? Unless by a rule in some book that says you can’t do the nasty until he puts a ring on it, sit this one out, if only for a year or two.

If you’re boner-fied religious believers, go ahead and do the whole “I do” spiel and get to knockin’ boots already. But if you can already have sex, hold hands, pay for each other’s dinners and say “I love you,” then what’s being married going to change?

—Dr. Date