Dr. Date

Doctor,

I’ve spent the last two and half years in a long-distance relationship. She came up and visited last weekend. Now fast forward to last Sunday, when she broke up with me. She says that there is no one else and that she had no intention of breaking up with me when she came up and visited, but it’s hard to believe that. How can I even think to go back to dating? I’ve never even dated at college! I have no idea what that entails. Throw onto that all the depression I was dealing with before the break up, added to the break-up itself — I’ve had seriously bad (suicidal) thoughts. Throughout the stress of school, she is all that got me through. I have very few friends here. How do I go from campus zero to zero+one?

—Uhm ... some cute signing off phrase ... That Guy

Down in the dumps,

Awww. Cheer up, little buddy. I know this seems like it blows right now, but it’s actually going to be the best thing that’s happened to you in a long while. Here is an opportunity to shed your skin. Not happy with the way that you are feeling right now — well, get rid of yourself.

HOLD UP.

I don’t mean suicide; don’t be silly. I mean become someone new. Before, with you+girlfriend, you were but a fraction of your real self. Now you belong entirely to yourself, and it’s a beautiful thing. The Good Doctor always advocates breaking up with your high school sweetheart.

—Dr. Date

Doctor Date,

This may sound strange, but I have a thing for guys in wheelchairs. This all started when I accidentally pushed my friend down a flight of stairs. Ever since, I have been looking for a guy with a cool pair of wheels. I will not settle for a guy with crutches; he needs to be a full paraplegic. Plus, wheelchairs add extra thrust. Where can I find such a man?

—Wheelies

Parapaleber,

You ain’t just lookin’ for a pimp with a limp, but a real smooth brotha with a slick ride. Here’s hoping you’ve abandoned your ways of trying to create your wheeled lover with forceful shoves down flights of steps. Despite people like you, handicaps often do not seek the title.

As to where you can find them: Well, like all people, they can be found just about anywhere. But if you want to get weird about it, I suppose you could stake out a handicap spot.

—Dr. Date

This is for Nerd Noob,

Stereotype much?! Not all guys who are nerds are always playing video games and stuck in their room 24/7. I have plenty of guy friends who are these “nerds” you talk about, i.e. engineering, etc. Yes, they are really smart and play video games, talk about Star Wars, WoW, etc, but they are also socially active at times with fraternities, student groups AND go out to clubs and bars. Therefore, think before you speak. Good luck finding this “nerd” you speak of with suspenders, pocket protector, taped glasses and constantly playing video games.

 —Love Being a Nerd

Avenger of the Nerds,

Nice try. I do stereotype much; it is the nature of my work. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get back to NOT talking about engineering, Star Wars, WoW, etc.

—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

There is this person named Melissa, and she is honestly just one of the coolest people I have ever met. She plays the clarinet, she’s a chaser on a Quidditch team and she can do a mean parade chair. Honestly, she is just awesome, too awesome to be exact. I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that she is just that awesome. How exactly do I deal with this, Dr. Date?

—She’s too cool

Not worthy,

You’re right, nothing says “cool” like a dame who can blow the clarinet and handle a Quaffle. Since there is no real-life equivalent to felix felicis (put down that PCP pipe, young man!), you’ll have use some good ol’ fashioned charm. That isn’t to say you need to drop any cheesed-out one-liners on her; that’ll just make her seek the Seeker. She sounds like a nice girl. She wants a nice boy. Be that to her. But be careful not to enter the proverbial torture rack of friendship with the one you love. Ask her to dinner. You know that once you have her in the door she’ll want to stay there. But you have to invite her in; otherwise, she’ll remain in the hall.

—Dr. Date