Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
Is buying a flower to compliment a girl’s physical attractiveness and for the opportunity to get to know her over the semester OK if she’s got a boyfriend?
I just wish to compliment her, to brighten her day up. Maybe I shouldn’t presume she needs as much. I’m not implying a desire to take her away from said boyfriend. I don’t know the guy, and he could be her perfect match. Even if love could conquer all, there must be ethical rules to the engagement.
Some part of me says don’t do it. Another part says why not?
—Good Intentions Paver

Good Intentions Paver,
“Don’t worry baby, I’m not kissing your neck because I’m trying to get with you or anything, I just think you have a really nice neck, and I like wanna compliment it with my lips. It’s like, art, ya know?
Why don’t you come out to my dad’s cabin for the holidays? What’s that, you wanna bring your boyfriend? Oh, I’d be totally down with that, but my dad only lets me bring one friend out there at a time.
I’m not trying to steal you from him though, I just think you would really like my dad’s cabin, and I think it would brighten your holidays. You see, I’m really just a good dude. And I’m not just being overly nice to you so that you’ll see what a gentleman I am compared to your boyfriend.”
Do you get my point or should I go on?
If you want to steal her away from her man, do it like Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate,” not like Phil Hartman in “Jingle All the Way.”
—Dr. Date

So here is the deal,
I have a problem that I think I might already be able to solve. I’ve even come up with a plan. I am writing to you because I hope you have a good response. In reality, I am probably going to do what I want anyway. Now, I am writing to you because I want to hear/read a different opinion, just in case something goes wrong, then I will have someone else to blame. Normally this is the part of the letter where I complain about something that is slightly more provocative than the rest of my complaints. Hopefully you will pick up on this point and write about it. Really, I just want to feel like I did something to take care of my less than desirable situation. Clean wrap up sentence (often ending in a question).
—Witty Name
Witty Name,
See what Witty’s doing here, guys? While you all are dancing the horizontal tarantella or rolling around in leaves with your Dr. Date-prescribed significant other, he/she is reducing your letters to a syntactic formula.
Indeed, Witty must be happy with him/herself. You see, he/she doesn’t need the help of a Love Doctor, as he/she has found love with the written word. When he/she feels alone and cold at night, there’s nothing like a perfect sentence to warm his/her body and soul.
When he/she is feeling frisky in the morning, he/she need look no further than a pretentious turn of phrase to get his/her chickens a-cluckin’. Witty does not wish to be you at all. Witty is very happy.
—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
I took my girlfriend home for Thanksgiving. It was the first time she met my entire family and we were both very excited. Everything was going great until my uncle got drunk. He got very creepy, very fast. A few too many inappropriate questions and suggestions put a damper on the day. Needless to say, we left my parents house early. When I dropped her off at home Thursday that was the last time she has talked to me. She has not returned any of my calls or texts. We have been dating for 11 months, so I do not see this as a deal breaker. Do you think my uncle ruined my relationship?
—Nephew Of A Drunk

Nephew,
So your pop’s bro was a few sheets to the wind — who doesn’t have a proper blood relative whose blood-alcohol levels are not always relatively proper? What’s that got to do with you?
Therein lies the ultimate question: Is it your uncle she is upset with, or is it you? I’ve never heard of a woman leaving a man because she didn’t like his uncle. Or perhaps it was one of those silly drunk uncle humdingers that got to her. At any point did you hear him ask her, “Do you love my nephew?”
If you’re sure you aren’t the problem, and a man’s uncle is really important to this girl, drop the classic “Godfather” line on her:
“That’s my family, Kay, it’s not me.” However, unlike Michael Corleone, you mustn’t betray poor Kay and turn into a drunken creep.
—Dr. Date