Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I think I’m in love with someone. The only problem is that I’m not the only one. His name is Tim Tebow and if I could, I would marry him this second. However, for obvious reasons, this may prove to be difficult. What should I do to get him to fall in love with me too?

—Mrs. Tebow To Be

P.S. Go Broncos!

Wants To Get Tebowned,

I get it. We’re all riding this Tebow high right now, and I understand that some of us want to ride his sweet virgin chariot into the blue-ball sunset. Only problem is, Mrs. Tebow, that I hear your dear so-bad-he’s-good QB is into dudes, particularly some guy named “Jesus.” You could try to compete with this dude, but, from what I understand, he’s quite the catch, and Timmy Boy is pretty smitten by his mystical presence.

I hear it’s a long-distance relationship, so you might be able to slip in when he’s cold and lonely. Apparently, they keep in touch not by texts or phone calls, but by Tebow doing some weird ritual where he lights candles, clasps his hands together, reads out of some book and talks to the wall — all while weeping uncontrollably.

Yeah, he seems pretty committed. I’d say your best bet is to present the case that you are the best candidate to enter into their flaming love affair as a third wheel. Just don’t expect much attention.

—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

Apparently penguins have been around for 60,000 years. They’re also one of the few species that maintain monogamous romantic relationships.

What are your opinions on monogamy, Dr. Date? Seems like it worked out all right for the penguins.

But what about us homo sapiens? Is it a natural part of our human genes, or is it something we picked up from penguins and poetry? Put that doctorate to work and give us a thesis.

—Planet Of The Penguins

Monographer,

In my studies, I’ve come to believe in monogamy. You’ll hear a lot of arguments about basic biological functions invalidating its logistics, and, in that sense, monogamy certainly isn’t a natural part of our human genes.

But in the same way we don’t run around like apes stealing each other’s food and picking food out of each other’s hair (I guess I don’t know what YOU do), we don’t go humping everything we see in hopes of spreading our seed (again, I’m speaking for the MAJORITY of people here). So what stops us? We are members of a civilization, and, in doing so, we find it proper to swap our ids for our super egos.

So that covers biology, now how about long-term psychological effects of strolling through life with just one pair of hands? Well, it’s tougher. The key, particularly in our decadent era, is sacrifice.

Our grandparents made it just fine with one partner their entire lives. Many of our grandparents also grew up where the nearest temptation was 500 acres north. We, on the other hand, are bombarded with potential mates every time we flip open our computer screen. Moreover we live in the city, where every other person you see on the street tickles your curiosity.

In short, monogamy isn’t going to work as an intrinsic part of your sinew; it’s got to be a conscious choice. And if you’ve got a worthy significant other, that choice very well could be the right one. When asked why he doesn’t succumb to his hoards of suitors, Paul Newman, one successful monogamist, replied “Why go out for a hamburger when you got a steak at home?”

Well … I guess some people like hamburgers. Do you?

—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

I’m sick of being single. I know I am pretty fly, but I keep being the one to initiate things with guys and it’s always an epic fail #rejection. FINALLY this guy I met through mutual friends has been texting me a lot and generally is the first one to begin the conversations (that means something, right?).

Well, he doesn’t have the balls to ask me out, even to coffee. TO THE MEN OUT THERE: IT’S ONLY COFFEE. It isn’t that big of a deal. Ask that damn girl out to coffee that you are smitten with, and I guarantee she will say yes.

What should I do ... keep texting him and just get to know him through texts or actually be the one to ask him out?

—Smitten

Kitten,

You heard it here, boys. Every damn girl you are attracted to will say yes if you ask her out to coffee.

Colossal untruths aside, it looks like you are going to have to take some good ol’ fashioned initiative again here … #fyl. This is 2011, sweetheart, I don’t want to have to rant against the death of gender roles again. #don’tyouhateitwhen you realize you have to change with the times? Well, if you want to go back to 1950, you better at least start to cool it with those hashtags.

—Dr. Date