Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
I’ve been in a slump for the past six months or so, and it’s starting to affect my confidence. Got any tips for how to get the swagger back?
—Ned

Ned,
So you’re looking to get your swag, or groove back. Well, if you look at the seminal 1998 film “How Stella Got Her Groove Back,” it appears that the steps are actually rather simple. You live in a tropical paradise and pick up some youthful tail 20 years your junior and: voila — groove restored.

Something tells me that there are some fundamental differences between Ned and Stella, however — namely that your milieu isn’t sandy arcadia, but slushy metropolitan tundra and that reaching back 20 years for a groove would quite literally be a cradle-robbing endeavor. So what’s a Ned to do in this world? Where does Ned find swag in these desolate streets?

The answer is in the mirror, Neddy boy.

Whoa, Neddy, stop smashing that glass; the last thing you need is seven years of swagless luck. I’m talking about who appears in your mirror when you look at it. That’s right, I’m talking about Big Ned himself. It all starts with you. Start waking up earlier, reclaim your boyhood dreams and pursue them.

There’s nothing potential mates respond to like a motivated man; they can practically smell it on you. So douse yourself in your irresistible Ned juice (again Ned, I’m speaking figuratively; however you were going to interpret that literally, refrain), and step out onto the doorstep of the world with your head held high.

It may take some time for the hoards to flock to you, but it won’t take long for passersby to realize “day-umn, looks like ol’ Neddy Ballgame got his SWAGGA back.” Once you’ve got that, the rest will fall into place.
—Dr. Date

Doctor D,
Can guys and girls be friends? I’m not talking about just seeing someone in class or even going out with mutual friends. I mean staying up talking until three in the morning about random stuff that comes up.

This guy and I frequently talk, and it’s great. I’m just getting out of a bad relationship, and he says he isn’t looking for one, so we seem to be on the same page. I’m just wondering if we can be genuine friends or does he just want to hook up with me?
—Friendly

Friendly,
Absolutely not. Your friend is waiting for the time that you two hug each other, look each other into the eyes and slowly go in for the real thing.

Let me put you into his mind set: There’s a pretty girl who is really cool, genuinely interested in what I have to say and likes me for who I am. There’s a chance that she might also want to have sex with me on a regular basis. Why not go in for the kill?

If you’re not interested in making sweet, sweet love to him, you had better make that clear in some subtle way. For example: “I’m so happy I have a friend that I can talk with and will never have sex with.” Better yet, talk about your crushes on other guys. There’s nothing that kills a guy’s confidence more than hearing about how the girl he’s pursuing has an emotional attachment to somebody else.
—Dr. Date

Doctor Date,
Let’s get down to brass tacks: I’m a redheaded man, and I’m in the business of finding and loving non-redheaded women. I understand that my fiery hair puts me at an immediate disadvantage, but my extensive knowledge of sports and witty charm act as a well-needed handicap. That’s where the problem comes in.

I feel like recently I’m being used as a novelty. The women take a bit of the orange — for our purposes we’ll say they grab my carrot stick — and leave. Am I going to have to settle for fellow redheads?
—Gingebre

Ginger,
Dude, you’re a redhead and you’re complaining about getting too much tail? Talk about a unique case.

Either way, you’re just going to have to keep on trucking until you get one of these Phillies to stick.
—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,
Where have the all the flowers gone?
—Pete

Mr. Seeger,
I don’t know, friend, but they’ll be back. I promise.
—Dr. Date