As much as some of you would like to view me as a parasite, malevolently feasting on your collective misery, doling out advice coated in sardonic seasoning — that ain’t the case. This is a symbiotic relationship. In order to give out prescriptions, I need patients. And don’t tell me you are all dancing in romantic bliss, walking two-by-two into Coffman as though it were built by Noah himself. I know some of you have fallen from the Ark and are struggling to stay afloat in the proverbial waves of love. Talk to me, baby. I can help. Submit your problems electronically to email@example.com. Let’s get these emotional calves wrestled.
I’ll be nice (when appropriate). I promise.
Dear Dr. Date,
What are your thoughts about jumping into dating versus building a friendship with someone you are attracted to and letting it turn into more?
This is a complex prism you have for me, Mr./Miss Haul (can I call you Long?) Let’s push up our glasses and get our Rubik’s Cube on.
The knee-jerk response here is to say you gotta take the friendship route, because that’s what the Great American Moral Combine (driven by rom-com writers and Nicholas Sparks) tells us to do. But let’s be honest here, ol’ Longey (is that cool?), building a friendship with your crush can leave you blockaded in the dreaded “friend zone,” wherein you essentially take on all the duties of a relationship, minus the dry humping, or, for the more adventurous among you, real humping.
The alternative, unfortunately, doesn’t brighten our picture much, Big Longtown (am I pushing it?). Diving blindly into a relationship is a colossal roll of the dice. It may start out all right, with the physical connection taking the forefront. But eventually, the inevitable stage curtain will fall, and you’ll be left not only literally naked, but figuratively as well. Whether or not you can stand to be in each other’s presence takes a backseat to the glaring fact that you totally banged (or, for the less adventurous, totally dry humped).
So — curse you, Nicholas Sparks — the friendship route is the way to go, Neville Longbottom. At best, you’ve found a mate with whom you can actually connect. At worst, you’ve got a friend.
(Disclaimer: Dr. Date has not, nor ever will, read a Nicholas Sparks book. Do not try to change this. It will not end well.)
Dear Dr. Date,
Reading two questions in your last column about exes had me wondering: Is it worth staying friends with an ex after a breakup? Normally I don’t. But what I’ve found is that with unconditional love and patience, you can get anyone to love you back. Is this true for lost love as well?
—No Love Lost, No Love Found
The “Jerry and Elaine” myth is but another example of how the 1990s continue to plague our society (I’m looking at you, Dave Matthews). Unless you are a particularly refined couple of gents, who are above such silly emotions as jealousy, bitterness and “I’m drunk, I’ve banged this so many times I want to bang it again,” it will not work. And, considering you quoted Lil Wayne like he’s John Keats, I have a feeling you probably don’t fit into that category. Don’t feel too bad though; only fictional sitcom characters do.
Dear Dr. Date,
I’d like to start this entry off with a response to whoever asked, “Where have all the flowers gone?” and tell him/her that “Young girls picked them.”
Anyways, I am currently in a long-distance relationship. Everything is going well and I really like him but sometimes I just get this feeling that I’ve changed since we started going out. Like a lot. And I’m not sure if I like it or not. But sometimes, I get the urge to just hook up with someone new. I am so confused.
Is this normal?
Is wanting to randomly hook up normal? Yes, observe: the Dinkytown bar scene. Is it okay to act on those feelings? Hold on there, ol’ jumpy, it ain’t that easy.
The desire to cheat on a long-distance lover is as normal as a pimple. Also like a pimple, you’ll see it every time you look in the mirror. Indeed, Hornball, your cheatin’ heart will tell on you.
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