Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

OK, I swear that I’m normal. Or at least not any less normal than anyone else out there. So the question I have is: Why is it that everyone else (and yes, I know it is NOT actually everyone) seems to have had at least one relationship by this point in their life? This is my last semester, and I feel like I missed out on the college dating scene. I’ve hung out in libraries, frats and coffee houses. I’ve taken fun classes with more diverse student populations (my major is French, thus, my choice in men is slim). I’ve studied abroad twice now. I’ve been doing “my own thing” for years, and it doesn’t seem to matter where I go or what I do; nothing ever seems to pan out love-life-wise. Don’t get me wrong. I love all the opportunities I’ve had and that I’ve been able to cultivate my interests, but I’d be lying if I said that I feel completely fulfilled. So why has nothing happened yet?

—Still Waiting For My Little Prince

Frenchie,

You certainly are enriched, aren’t you? I see you there, waltzing from activity to activity with a copy of “Candide ou l’Optimisme” in one hand and a woefully empty dance card in another. My heart goes out to you, mon amie. Which is why I’m going to give you a little baguette for thought:

Your nether regions aren’t getting any visitors because you’re forgetting the follow-through. If you spent less time in the frats and more time out on the softball field, you might know what I mean … How do I explain this to a French major?

Enriching your own life without actively inviting someone else to join you is like asking someone to conjugate a verb without giving them a pronoun.

You’re putting yourself in the right places, but you’re not taking enough advantage of where you’re at. It’s not enough to sign up for the ceramics class — if you want someone sitting behind you at the pottery wheel, you have to say hello to the Sam Wheat look-a-like.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I am new to the online dating world. For newbies such as myself, what are some red flags when looking at other profiles that are not obvious to the public? Similarly, what are some statements or adjectives considered as red flags to guys that I should avoid for my profile?

—W4M

Wired 4 Mating,

Welcome to the wonderful world of unsolicited pecs, pics and  Photoshopped head shots.

Public enemy #1: The Nice Guy. Seriously, if a guy’s profile announces that he’s a nice guy, he might as well cut the crap and call himself what he really is: A Bland Guy Who Can’t Come Up With A Creative Way To Convey His Personality And Resorts To Vague, Positive Statements That Don’t Mean Anything.

Other red flags are negativity, TONS OF CAPITAL LETTERS and an apparently close-minded ‘tude.

Stay away from poor grammar — if you’re a bad speller, pick up bedmates at the bar. The Internet is full of self-righteous grammarians ready to pounce.

Whatever you do in your own profile, don’t identify yourself as the type of person who freaks out over their bio’s diction and syntax enough to write into an advice column. Would you want to date someone who hemmed and hawed over every word? Of course not. You want to date someone who’s “really up for anything, totally outgoing, love love LOVE my friends and family — just trying to enjoy life, no regrets!!!”

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

My ex and I have been broken up for a few months now, and there has been no contact except for mutually wishing each other a happy holiday season, and I do not find myself wanting him back. 

Friends of mine keep asking if we are going to try and remain friends.  While at his core he is truly a decent person, I had my reasons for breaking up with him and not wanting him to be involved in my life any longer. 

Is it OK that I would rather just continue on the path that he and I are on rather than try to forage a friendship?  Since I am an adult and responsible for my own decisions, this question seems like a no-brainer, but I only ask because it is not as though our relationship ended on horrible terms. He didn’t mistreat me or cheat or anything like that — he simply wasn’t the right guy. 

Am I being cold, or is it perfectly acceptable to permanently cut the cord if I wish? 

—Scissors

Cut It Out,

If this dude thinks that he deserves your friendship just because he once held a prominent position on your speed dial, he’s in for a wake-up call. Ring ring, buddy – Hello? Is this Jerry Seinfeld? No? Time to hang up.

Your instincts are right: Contemporary etiquette encourages friendliness, but in no way does that necessitate actual friendship.

There are three moves to the post-break-up friendship dance: the Clip, the Snip and the Walk Away. If you’re investing your hard-earned time in a buddy-ship simply because you feel like you have to, you’re whiling away the hours that you should be spending bedding someone else — or perhaps just hanging out in your bed.

—Dr. Date