Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I seem to have a problem, and I don’t know exactly how to deal with this or how to change. I always seem to find the men who don’t want a relationship or they make the “I don’t know what I want” excuse. However, I don’t seem to have a problem finding men, getting attention from them and having them stick around dating-wise. I have a good idea that I am not the only one they are seeing, though. I mean, seriously, if this is what I wanted, I would be dating a handful at once, but I am not. How can I end up being the only one they see instead of just casually date at their convenience?

—Sloppy Seconds

Sloppy,

Here’s where you can really use the wonders of technology — and, moreover, Jamie Kennedy — to your advantage. Don’t trust that you’re the only woman in his life? Plant a hidden camera in every possible area that you think your man could be spending his time. Drop out of school, and quit your job so that you can spend all your time watching him. What’s that? He’s not on screen? Consider planting a chip in his ass so you can truly KNOW where he is at all times. We’ll call it COINTEL-BRO.

Sound good? No?

All right, let’s try the not-[expletive]-insane route. This we’ll call “trust.” If you can’t find one that you can trust, take another look at your monitors — bros are everywhere.

As for getting them to commit to you, don’t force it. When men find themselves scared of commitment, it’s when they hear the word. Don’t pounce on him with the “are you in or out?” card so soon. Let him show his commitment through his actions for awhile. Then gauge commitment through words, but be easy, baby.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

There’s this girl, more precisely my neighbor (I live in the dorms). She’s funny, sexy, very cute, extremely nice and we have a lot of the same interests ... needless to say, I have a major crush on this girl. I met her at the beginning of the school year, but I didn’t make any moves last semester because I was getting settled into my first semester of college and didn’t want to overload my already packed schedule with a serious relationship. I desperately want to ask her out, but there are two problems.

First off, I can’t get a consistent read on whether or not she’s into me. One moment she’ll laugh at my not-so-funny jokes; I’ll get more-than-just-being-friendly smiles; she’ll initiate conversation, and it’ll seem like she has a sincere interest in me. Then the next time I see her it’ll seem like I’m just a friend.

Now I’m almost positive I’ve made it clear that I’m into her. Every time I see her, I end up grinning like an idiot; I show sincere interest in everything she says; I’ll let her “catch” me glancing over at her; I’ll leave little notes on her whiteboard and I pay more attention to her than to everyone else whenever we hang out, with it being more than just the two of us, which is almost always because whenever I see her, she’s almost always either with her roommate, who I consider a friend or one of our hall-mates seems to pop out of the woodwork (random note: it’s always the same guy).

Which brings us to problem two: How do I approach her about going out on a date? I don’t want to be awkward and ask her out in front of a friend. And if I do get a window of opportunity, what would be the best way to ask her out and make it be known that it’s more than just two friends hanging out?

—Crushing On Neighbor

Crushing,

I can’t tell you how to get this girl alone for an opportune window of some good ol’ fashioned date-askin’. I can tell you how not to do it.

Do not pounce on her as you see her walking to class or coming out of the bathroom. Do not startle her in any way; it will not aid your cause. Do not throw pebbles at her window and try to mouth it out. Do not walk into a group of people sitting around watching whatever you kids watch these days and say, “Hey guys, can you clear out? I really need to talk to Tina.” Don’t make it an ordeal that will embarrass her in front of the gossip combine. I know how summer-campy those dorms can be.

Instead, go the phone call route. Or, if you’re less clumsy with the written word, try writing her a nice, self-aware yet thoughtful letter, and slip it under her door. Make clear in the note that you like her, so that there is no “Is this a date or not?” cloud following you around.

At the very least, she will respect your initiative, and you can bet your nervous, wishy-washy ass that she will be flattered. If she says no, you’ve got closure. If she says yes, you got what you wanted. I really have a feeling she’s going to give ya a chance though, pal. Knock ‘er dead (meaning “good luck”; not “bludgeon her to death”).

—Dr. Date