Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

Hypothetically speaking, what’s the best way to approach the subject of a threesome without upsetting one’s girlfriend?

—I Want To Ride The Tricycle

Trike,

Tricky, trike! You’re right to be hesitant. Can you imagine the backlash if you casually sauntered into her room saying, “Baby, you ain’t enough for me. Why don’t we jazz it up a bit and toss your best friend Claire in the mix?”

That’d get you slapped across the face quicker than a bell clapper in a goose’s ass.

First, the Doc prescribes some introspection: Do you already have a third person in mind? Do your fantasies include less of your gal and more of the pal? Don’t hide your real desire for the extra behind a general interest in threesomes.

If you really want to try to manage this ménage à trois, it may come down to the classic maneuver of making her think it’s her idea.

Plant the seed through casual convo. Tell her a story about a threesome one of your buddies had, and casually mention that in 1882, Nietzsche lived with Paul Ree and Lou Andreas-Salome in Rome.

Then turn the heat up with some high-brow trike talk.

Give her a copy of Hemingway’s “The Garden of Eden,” and discuss it in the stead of whatever menial nonsense you usually turn to for pillow talk.

 Pop in “Y Tu Mama También” before the next time you get together, and give her a sexy massage while you watch it. It’s all about building the positive associations

But hey, three-wheeler: Don’t rush the process of desensitization. Once she’s acclimated to the idea and understands that you’re kind of an up-for-anything dude, she will let you know if she wants it.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

You give the worst advice EVER!! You’re often just mean rather than helping people with their problems, and I can’t take it anymore. I would make a much better love expert than you, and that’s saying something. I’m sure other Daily readers agree that you need to go.

—Get Out Of Here

Haterade-aholic,

As the campus’ most beloved scholar on matters of the heart, I am truly shocked by your anger. Truly. Shocked. Normally, I’d take the high road and brush my shoulders off.

But because you’re such an important person – looks like you’re making quite a name for yourself as an advice column watchdog – I feel like I have to address this.

And I get what you’re saying.

I know that, “You give the worst advice EVER!!” is just another way to say, “I respect you and everything you do for the campus community.”

And I know that, “I would make a much better love expert than you,” directly translates to, “I’m jealous of your razor-sharp wit and compassionate intuition.”

Also, I’m taking, “I’m sure other Daily readers agree that you need to go,” to mean, generally, that “other Daily readers are too busy getting laid and living life to send in senseless hate mail.”

That’s right, y’all. After taking four years of it in college, the Doc is fluent in Idiot.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I have been friends with this guy for years and years. All of my friends think that we are meant to be. He is a really flirty guy so I have never taken him very seriously. Lately though, he has been throwing hints out there that make me question if we are really just friends or not. I’m more confused than ever. Should I confront him about it or just wait it out?

—He Spins My Head Right Round

Flo Rida feat. Ke$ha,

First of all, thank you. The Doc was emotionally drained and feeling tender after dealing with that hurtful hate mail. So your note, which reeks of the sweetness and stress and light and innocence and worry of adolescence, filled me right back up.

There’s nothing more exciting than the prospect of something that’s “meant to be” coming to fruition — in your case, what could be better than finally nailing this dude? The real question, as you know, is whether or not it’s going to happen.

As far as I can see, there’s no need to confront him — he hasn’t done anything wrong, and he doesn’t owe you anything.

But you can confront the situation. Asking someone to hang out solo is one way to do that. And a kiss is the most courageous confrontation.

As your relationship develops, the clouds of mystery will clear up naturally. Unless your friends are wrong and this ain’t meant to be — in which case, you’ll still have him as a good friend.

—Dr. Date