Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’m completely in love with my housemate, and he doesn’t know that. I hadn’t felt like that for a long time, and now I just love to spend my time with him more than I like to spend my time with any other thing or person.

The big problem is: I’m an international student, and I’ll be back to my home country by the end of this semester.

Also, I’m not sure if he likes me back; it’s a 50-50 chance. What should I do, and how should I approach this subject? Should I take the chance or is it too risky?

—International Girl

Love In Translation,

The big question here should not be whether or not it is too risky for you, an international student living with a man with whom you are “completely in love.” I don’t want to stereotype and say that this scenario is kind of the fantasy of every straight college boy on this campus. So I’ll say it’s TOTALLY the fantasy of every straight college boy on this campus.

So the risk here likely isn’t whether or not he’ll accept your advances (he’ll almost certainly leap at them). The risk lies in the fact that there’s less than two months until you hop into a big bird that flies you back to your home country. Will you be checking that extra baggage or will that be carry-on?

If you’re as completely in love with him as you say you are, then the answer is likely yes. Have yourself a sultry month and a half (spring is romantic as hell around here), and enjoy your international Skype sex come June.

But just know it won’t be easy. In fact, it’ll suck most of the time, and you probably won’t feel like you are being satisfied the way you thought you would — but enough about Skype sex.

In all seriousness I’d say you should at least make out with him. The “what might’ve been” baggage will be just as unpleasant as the “I’m leaving my baby.”

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’m in love with a girl who is the shyest person I have ever met. She also has incredibly low self-esteem. She seems to think that everything she does is an inconvenience to the other people on our dorm floor. She also has a bit of a gloomy appearance, and people keep calling her Carrie, because she does kind of look like the girl from “Carrie.” Anyway, I’m clearly into her, and I think she’s into me, but I’m not sure. She seems to be kind of afraid of me, but that might be because she likes me back. Anyway, things are really awkward between us. How can I advance our relationship?

—Once Bitten

Searching For (Carrie) Fischer,

Damn, the letters today certainly hold the sanctity of love to a high standard. One is an international crush, and the other is a wet blanket that ain’t even been crusted yet.

Completely irrational stretches on the definition of love aside, let me help you nab this killjoy. Introverts don’t want you to come on too strong, particularly not in large-group social settings. That said, there’s nothing wrong with inviting her into a more intimate situation where you two can connect one-on-one. Coffee or a walk by the river are your best bets.

Listen to her. Tell her you feel like an observer in the world, how your mind laughs in the audience while your body dances on the social stage of life, how you identify best with the misfits of the world. More than telling her though, listen to her. Nod your head, and tell her you understand how she never really felt comfortable in the crowd, even though you think it’s a shame, considering how beautiful and interesting she is.

Here’s the kicker, you have to mean all those things. Otherwise you’re just being an A1 dick.

—Dr. Date