Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’m sure you get questions about threesomes all the time, but hear me out — my case is different. My girlfriend and I spent a lot of time talking about adding another girl in the horizontal tango mix — I’m not ashamed to admit it took a little convincing to get her on board — and we’re both excited to try something new.

Now here’s the problem — who do we ask to join us? A friend of ours would be weird, but a stranger from Craigslist or something would probably be worse, right? Do we have to set up a recruiting office to get a worthy candidate to knock boots with us?

—Who Wants To Ride Our
Tricycle?

Ménage À Deux,

“Well, I’m free Saturday night!” Get out of here, Goldy, you hornball! Sorry about that. Anytime that rodent sees the word “threesome,” the animal comes alive in him.

Anyway, unless you’re down with Goldy (seriously, he wants me to stress that he is absolutely free as Lynyrd Skynyrd Saturday night), you’ll have to get crafty. Whatever you do, don’t resort to Craigslist and all its venereal risks.

Finding someone who is interested in a threesome can be as difficult as spotting a serial killer — they live among us, ringing us up at Wal-Mart, selling us paint or teaching us biology. You get the point: it could be anyone. But that’s the risk — it’s most likely NOT anyone.

Therefore, I say, unless you have a mutual friend who has expressed interest, keep yourself satisfied as a ménage à deux until a situation presents itself. And when and if it does, good luck dealing with the jealousy that follows.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’ve recently realized that I’ve fallen in love unexpectedly with Boo — a famous Pomeranian known colloquially as the “World’s Cutest Dog.”

There’s only one problem: I’ve never met him or talked to him. I’ve only browsed his pictures online and read his book, yet it feels like we’re in a real relationship. We both love sleeping, having gorgeous hair and wearing cute clothes. He has seen so much of the world, and I just want to travel with him. I wake up each morning and immediately check his Facebook profile for new pictures. I’m upset if he doesn’t post a new picture or funny status. I get jealous of his best friend, Buddy, who gets to cuddle with him every night, and other girls that comment on his pictures. How do I get Boo to notice me — one of his millions of fans?

—It’s Furreal Love

Boo Randy,

Listen, I get it. We are all madly in love with Boo. And Buddy is the most privileged, covetable best friend since Gayle King. Indeed, in these trying times, Boo has proven to be the light which breaks through the clouds. His philanthropy, his loyalty and yes, his cuteness — his consecrated, heart-turning cuteness — are the reason so many of us rise when our bodies pin us to our morning beds.

However, much like the water from the well of Bethlehem was considered by David too sacred to drink, we cannot have sex with Boo. His hallowed fur mustn’t be rustled by unholy flesh. I don’t know who this “Buddy” thinks he is, but if he is tapping that, I swear to Ann Landers that I will find him, and I will … aww Buddy’s cute too!

So where do we go from here, now that our hearts have sunken to bestiality? Nay! That term is far too wicked for the true love we feel for our Minister of Cuteness, our amour, our celestial pooch, Boo, whose name wouldn’t frighten a fly.

We watch, Randy, we watch, and we drink in his puppy joy with the four million other suckers who’ve fallen under his sweet, sweet spell.

Here’s lookin’ at you, gentle, virginal Boo — I shall see your vacuum eyes in the morning, and each morning we both shall rise.

—Dr. Date