Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I have a bro-moral dilemma here. My roommate brought a random girl home who wasn’t his girlfriend this weekend. When I walked upstairs to my bedroom, he had left his bedroom door open, and there were lots of grunts and moaning emanating. I immediately went back downstairs. It made me feel sick to my stomach that my friend would do this: Not only is his cheating wrong, but he was cheating on his girlfriend with someone who is far below her league.

Quite frankly, I think his girlfriend is too good for him.

I gently confronted him about it the other day, and he flat-out lied and said she was just a friend. Yeah ... uh-huh. Then last night his girlfriend was over. Hard to look at her without thinking that my roomie flat-out was cheating on her.

I really like my roommate, but frankly, his girlfriend is far too good for him. What do I do?

—Pro BROno Advice?

InnBROcent bystander,

Bros doing stupid shit is a timeless problem that will benefit neither from trying to solve it nor talking about it in general. Your idiot bro roommate cheated on his girlfriend that he doesn’t deserve — go figure; I’m so surprised. That’s not the issue here. No, the question that you and I shall endeavor to answer is: In this world of rampant bro idiots perpetually performing idiot bro acts, is there such thing as an innBROcent bystander?

As a graduate of middle school health class, I’m tempted to say, “No, there is no such thing. If you see wrong and do nothing about it, you are doing wrong.” However, this is your roommate. You gotta, like, share a bathroom with him. Most people would likely say, “Well, it ain’t my problem my bro is cheating on his girlfriend he doesn’t deserve. I ain’t him, my bro. I’m me, bro.”

But that ain’t you, bro. You made a pact with the truth as a young bro, and — if I may — you totally have a crush on your bro’s girlfriend. So if it’s really keeping you up at night, sit your bro down one more time. Tell him, “Look I know you said you didn’t hook up with that girl, but I know what I heard. If you can live with yourself, go ahead. But if you’re girlfriend comes asking me questions, like Sir Mix-A-Lot before me, I cannot lie.”

Just don’t try to get with your roommate’s girlfriend. Then I’d be the InnBROcent bystander.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

How can I get a guy to leave me alone? I have actually screamed the words “Leave me alone!” at him, and he still texted me the next day. The dude is a complete nuisance. It’s time to get creative, so help me out!

—Shoo Fly

Totally Hott Grrl Who Totally Just Can’t Get The Fellas Off Of Her UGGGGHH,

You’re right, this is a really, really shitty problem. The boyz are like, all over you, and you’re all “get away from me; you’re gross” and they’re all “but you’re so PHAT I need my text all up in that inbox.” Let me speak on behalf of all the people on this planet whose own problems (among them divorce, injury, genocide) crumble in comparison to yours, when I say, girl that sucks; I feel bad for you.

Anyway, when you tell creepers to leave you alone, they hear “don’t leave me alone; come after me.” It’s how they were brought up. Here’s a list of [expletive] that will take care of your problem. Feel free to do any or all of them.

1) Block his number

2) Don’t respond to his texts

3) Don’t be so pretty/hot/tempting

4) Change your phone number

5) Tell him you have VD

6) Send him a mean, hurtful text that will make him not want to communicate with anyone, let alone you

7) Make out with his best friend

8) Tell him he’s right and he is truly the only one for you in the world and you want him to father your babies ASAP

9) Have one of your macho friends pose as your boyfriend

10) Send him a text that says the following: “Okay, [his name], I don’t know what you think ‘Leave me alone’ means, but to me it means ‘Leave me alone.’ Honestly, I’m deleting your number now. If you text me again, I’ll assume you’re a stalker and alert the authorities.”

—Dr. Date