I need your help. I’m 22 and had been a virgin up until last weekend. It was the worst weekend of my life. I got really drunk and ended up having sex with some girl I hardly knew. I had always meant to save it for a special relationship. I came close with a few girls I dated throughout school but never got that far. And now I feel like I threw it all away. Can you help me through this?
You Still Got It,
I’m sorry you had such a bad weekend.
And I’m sorry that our society romanticizes “the first time” so much. For most people, the first time is anything but romantic. It’s in the back seat of a mini-van, it’s in your basement or it’s on dirty sheets in a dorm room. Or maybe it is in an expensive penthouse on nice sheets with someone you love — but no matter how the flower loses its petals, the very first time will probably involve a certain level of discomfort and anxiety.
In other words, you’re not abnormal for regretting your first time. A small portion of the population can boast a wonderful first time, so take solace in the fact that you are anything but alone.
But I know that what’s bothering you the most is that your first time was lacking in deep emotional connection. To you, sex and love are intertwined. You betrayed yourself this weekend.
But, dude, we can work through this. I recommend you privately assess your own personal definitions of “sex” and “virginity.” Before you call me a weirdo and stage a coup, let me explain: While you’ve technically had sex, you haven’t had the type of sex you want to be having. So you can still think of yourself as a virgin (of sorts) until you have sex the way you want to have it. You’re allowed to do that in your own head, as long as you’re honest with future partners.
Personally, I’m considering myself a virgin until I have sex with at least one “Gossip Girl” cast member — have fun guessing which Upper East Sider makes my mouth water. XOXO.
Crazy mind games aside, there’s one important thing to remember, my not-so-virginal friend. You are still the same person you were before you had sex. You’re still the same wonderful person you’ve always been.
“Virgin” is kind of a messed up cultural construct anyway.
The semester is ending, and I don’t know what to do with the guy I’ve been dating for the past couple weeks. It feels too early to bring up a long distance relationship for the summer thing (he lives in Nebraska, and I live here) but I also don’t want things to fall apart until we can see each other in the fall. What can I do?
—Worried About The Time Apart
Let me start off by borrowing a phrase from the ultimate love guru, Liz Lemon: Long distance is the wrong distance.
To amend Lemon’s Law, there are some occasions when the long distance drag is worth it. But this is not one of those occasions.
Why try to hold something together if it’s not all the way formed to begin with? You haven’t even been dating long enough to define a relationship here in the Twin Cities. Doesn’t it seem a little crazy to try out one of the most ambitious love feats in existence?
Go ahead and tell him you really like him, because that is just the truth. Tell him you look forward to seeing him in the fall. Tell him you hope you guys can keep in contact over the summer. Consider asking him to visit you here. Tell him you’re going to miss him a lot.
Don’t get ahead of yourself, and don’t go crazy. Embody a zen attitude. If it’s meant to pick back up in the fall, it will pick back up in the fall.
Anytime you need to reality-check yourself — for instance, if you’re about to wreck yourself — just repeat this mantra: I can’t build a mobile home on a shaky foundation, and I won’t even try.
UMN students have traveled to Florida colleges to collaborate with students on various projects.
When UMN students plan for a vacation, having trip cancellation travel insurance is a worthwhile commodity to check out.
Minneapolis Used Cars
Give back to the Minnesota community with a boat donation at boat4causes.org.
If you have been involved in a car accident call a Philadelphia Car Accident Lawyer for a free consultation.