Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I’m writing once again for more advice.

I’m currently in a relationship.

There’s this girl that was in my class, and I have this suspicion that she likes me. This girl, I’ve seen her a few times these past few weeks. I just can’t get her out of my mind. I’m actually interested in getting to know her because I want to be friends with her.

Maybe one day I could get with her if my current relationship doesn’t pan out the way I want it to. How do I get to know her if we don’t have any classes together?

I’ve waited for so long to actually make a move since last semester that I don’t think she’s interested anymore. What should I do?

—Crushin’ U.S.A.

Crashin’,

First things first.

You have to end your current relationship. Here’s why:

1. You are crushing on someone else. It’s obvious. Even you know it. You’re fascinated by this girl, and you want to make a move.

Don’t even play like you’re only trying to “get to know her” because she seems cool. The Doc has been there, and let me tell you, the House of Getting-To-Know-You is rife with trap doors and dusty attics of immorality. After you open that door of innocent conversation and           long walks, you’ll soon be sprinting down the hallways and ripping each other’s clothes off.

2. You’re already fantasizing about the end of your relationship. You think of this sexy former classmate as something of a human exit ramp to slide down after your current relationship doesn’t “pan out.”

I’m not exactly sure how relationships do and don’t “pan out,” but I can tell you something: You shouldn’t be looking forward to the end.

You’re being mad disrespectful to your partner by thinking like this.

And you’re being mad disrespectful to me. That’s right; I’m taking this letter personally. Why? I know you’re thinking, “Isn’t Dr. Date a non-feeling, hyper-analytical advice columnist who simply cranks out correct responses based on a few algorithims and basic truths about ’tang?”

Well, yes. But you’ve broken me. It sucks that you seem to see nothing immoral about the way you’re feeling. You’re just excited to build up something else for when you decide you’d like to ditch your current flame.

Exit strategies are sick for the most part. Break up, then think about pursuing this new girl. But warn her that you’ll also be developing auxilliary relationships behind her back …

—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

What is the best way to ask out the cute gal studying at the table behind me out for coffee?

—Date Nut

Thirsty,

If you want to java jive with this girl, you have to break the ice(d coffee, cream and tons of sugar, please).

“Hey, do you have a calculator I can borrow for a second?”

This question is perfect because you’ll learn if she has a calculator or not. If she does, you’ve chosen a smart one. Good pick!

“So are you a math major?”

No?

She’s in the Carlson School: Ask her about the global economics involved in the production of a cup of coffee.

She’s a sociology major who has a calculator for some gen eds: Ask her about fair trade coffee; find out the best spot to get some.

She’s a biology major: Ask her how coffee beans are grown.

You catch my drift, I think. Learn a few things about her and then bring it back to your brewin’ obsession with café au cutie.

Then, if you find that your conversation is stimulating and she seems to be enjoying the fact that you’re talking to her, ask her if she’d like to grab a cup o’ joe with you sometime.

If she looks like she’s squirming in her seat and can’t wait to see her TI-83 escape the clutches of your grubby fingers, cut your losses and buy a coffee maker that makes single cups.

—Dr. Date