What happens between the end of Spring Jam and the beginning of summer?
I imagine that most people will spend their time recovering from seeing the New Boyz. Those jerks, am I right? And I imagine that some people will be studying for finals and working on final projects — isn’t that something people do?
Here at A&E, we’re spending the next few weeks tirelessly getting ready for one thing and one thing only: jorts season.
Just as a wave’s crest breaks as it approaches the shore, summer cascades toward the beaches of our lives. In other words, we have to start hustling with this jorts business. And there are a few other craft deals we have to take care of before summer starts. Jorts are the priority, and we’ll throw your wayfarers in the back seat.
HOW TO MAKE JORTS
• Your least favorite pair of jeans
• A marker
• Something to hem your shorts with: either hot glue or a sewing needle and thread
Put on those nasty jeans you’re getting sick of. The more hole-infested and ratty looking, the better. Stand in front of your mirror. Decide how short you’re going to make these shorts and then draw a line on your pants two inches below that.
Take off your pants. (Yeehaw!)
Cut them at the line you’ve drawn.
The cut is going to be disgusting — just like your apartment after Spring Jam, right?
If you want a more formal (read: nerdy) look, turn your jorts inside out and then flip the ends over and sew them up to make a neat hem. But in order to embody the true spirit of the almighty jort, leave your pants right-side out and cuff them once, then sew a line there. The part that comes up above your sewed line will eventually fray and look rustic. Cool.
HOW TO DECORATE YOUR SUNGLASSES
If you happen to be blessed with real Ray-Ban shades, your craft buck stops here. It’s not worth it to destroy those fine babies with nail polish, which is exactly what my trashy self is recommending.
For the rest of you: Dig out those rip-off wayfarers you got from the guy trying to sell you a new Internet service. Put tape over each of the lenses so paint doesn’t seep through. Then prime your shades with a coat of nail polish in your favorite color. I like the idea of coral or pink, even if you don’t usually rock those colors — looking at you, macho men!
You might feel like polka dots are an easy pattern to apply to those shades. I don’t want to throw too much shade on your instincts, but what’s easy to paint doesn’t always look the best.
I recommend some fly zigzag patterns, vertical stripes or blocks of color. If you’re trying to get meticulous, test out your capabilities and try to paint a plaid pattern on your shades. Feeling up for the ultimate challenge? Try paisley. It’s your life, and it’s now or never.
Craft on, y’all. Keep the sun out of your eyes (and on your thighs) in style.
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