Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

So my girl and I were happily spooning and watching a movie in my room when she did the unthinkable: She farted. She was little spoon! I was so shocked that I had to leave the room, and she got very self-conscious. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but it affected me a lot, to the point where I couldn’t even get it up to have sex with her later! Things are really awkward. ... What do I tell her now?

—Big Spoon

Big Goon,

Yuck! How dare she be a real person! That’s seriously gross. You should definitely dump her right now.

Take solace in the fact that she is one hundred times more mortified than you could ever dream of being. You say she got self-conscious at that moment. You should know that she’s probably still feeling self-conscious around you. She’s feeling judged and hurt and less-than beautiful. You acted like such a child. You left the room? Seriously, bro? It’s like you wanted to make sure she was even more uncomfortable than she already was. Basically, I’m saying that you have to drop the victim mentality. Neither of you are victims, really, if you subscribe to the idea that flatulence doesn’t equate to a total tragedy.

If you really want to keep having sex with her, you should start making her feel more comfortable. The fact that your instinct was to make her feel like a freaky farting alien makes me think that you don’t actually want to have sex with her. When are you going to associate her with something other than horrifying flatulence? Do you ever want to have sex with her again? I’m not trying to be insensitive when I say this, but she’s probably wondering if you’re gay: a little toot’s going to turn you off from sex? Are you that desperate for an excuse to not have sex with a girl? That’s seriously the only rationale I can dream up — in my wildest dreams. And you know the Doc’s dreams are way wild.

If you don’t want to have sex with her anymore, you should tell her this: “Babe, I know we have sex, and our bodies get really close and stuff. But I’m just not into the fact that yours is so human when we’re not having sex.”

Regardless of gender politics and whether or not you’re heterosexual, there’s something to be said for politeness. There’s something to be said for being coy. There’s something to be said for not allowing foul odors to escape when you’re with the person you like. So try your best to keep that stuff, and all your stuff, in check. It comes down to being a pleasant person and a pleasant little spoon. But there’s even more to be said for being forgiving. And I don’t want to shock the everliving daylights out of you, but air isn’t the grossest thing that has come out of her butt. … Just trying to keep it real here.

—Dr. Date.

Dr. Date,

I go to school with this guy I have been going to school with for years. We don’t actually know each other really well, but we are friends. Recently I have been seeing him in a new light. How do I get to know him more and see if he’s interested in something other than friendship?

—The Girl Next Door

Oh, Girl,

Seriously, this question, in all of its pussyfooting forms, makes up half the letters I get. But I don’t expect you to be an archival expert on the Minnesota Daily — that’d be Goldy! So, of course, I’ll answer this question as sweetly as it was asked.

You can get to know him more by spending more time with him. Harness the power of your mutual friends to make that happen — whether you find a trusted friend to third-wheel a little hang-out or end up making a party out of it, there’s nothing as romance-catalyzing as the good old-fashioned group hang. A cloud of folks will give you the opportunity to say something like, “These guys are totally lame; let’s get out of here!” Or, “Let’s take this conversation to a more private place.”

If he’s interested in something other than a friendship, that will naturally come out as you spend more time with him. There are a few things you can do to push that forward a little faster, but you shouldn’t worry yourself with tricky tactics or overwrought strategies. Just get yourself in the same space as him for prolonged periods of time, and you’ll both discover your relationship potential.

—Dr. Date