Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

This is a joint effort. We are involved in a vicious cycle. This is a cry for help.

So, we’re two single females with a complex dating and living situation. We share a house with eight people, all of whom are happily engaged in committed relationships. Don’t get us wrong, we’re happy for our friends and we’re friends with their significant others. But we’re missing our own doses of collegiate love! It’s hard enough walking home alone from a party and feeling dejected; instead of curling up with our laptops, a beer and an episode of Friday Night Lights, we’re repeatedly greeted at the door by giggling, cuddling, kissing, meaningful conversations and successful communication from people behaving as if they’re on their honeymoons. COUPLES EVERYWHERE! We have TWO living rooms, but we can’t even find a spot on either couch to curl up and cry in the fetal position.

Hear us out, we have a theory: We have both, at one point, lived in a bedroom on the first floor. The room was the no-action zone. Did we mention we’re both brilliant redheads who share the same marvelous moniker?! Is it possible we could be cursed by our mutual inhabitance of the same dreadful no-action zone? How can we break the endless cycle of being the 5th, the 7th, the 9th wheel and cultivate our own meaningful relationships? School is almost over, and we are losing hope.

—Lonely In A House Of Love

Girlfriends,

How can you call yourselves single when you’re obviously in a relationship with each other?

Y’all are so obviously a unit. Even if Tim Riggins himself wanted a piece of one of your fiery behinds, that hunk of burning love would have trouble wedging his bangin’ bod in between the tight bond you’ve created.

Give it a rest, and stop feeling so sorry for yourselves. I have this image of you, in front of gentlemen, freaking out about stuff and screaming about the cursed room you’ve both inhabited. And then I have an image of the guy being like, “Well, looks like they’re fine with each other. Probably don’t need a man.”

Don’t get the Doc wrong — there is nothing wrong with strong female friendship! Seriously. That ish makes the world spin round. So don’t stop being in love with each other. But if you really want to bag some hot ass, take the summer as a time to pursue gentlemen with different wing women.

As for those a-holes taking up the couches, make yourself a bowl of crunchy cereal and plop down on the floor with a copy of the Daily. Cue chomping and page snapping. They’ll jump ship faster than you can say, “Get a room.”

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

My boyfriend and I have been happily together for about 8 months. Our relationship is fantastic! I myself have one (definitely superficial) issue.

My boo needs to update his wardrobe stat. It’s not only the fact that his t-shirts are more suitable for the high school crowd; he buys shirts and pants at least one size too big for him. It goes without saying that like most men he hates shopping for clothing. My question is how should I go about this “fashion crisis”? Looking forward to your advice!

—Wrapping The Package

Package Wrapper,

You’re not being superficial; you just want your man to live up to his potential. He should look as sexy as he is. His clothes shouldn’t misrepresent what he’s like on the inside.

Try giving him a present. Comb the sales racks and find something for cheap. When he puts it on, praise the mess out of him. Then watch his tail wag and saliva drip from his barking mouth. He’ll soon learn to associate your taste in clothes with your loving praise.

Then just say, “Hey, yo, let’s go shopping. I love the way you look in that sweater I bought you, and man, you could use a few new duds to go with it.”

Guys aren’t that stupid — he probably knows he’s not a fashion plate. In all honesty, he probably just doesn’t care. Or he might not know how to dress well and would love your help.

—Dr. Date