Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

My boyfriend keeps hurting me. Not physically, but emotionally. He’ll do really careless, selfish things like hit on other girls in front of me, or just not show up to my house when we have plans without saying anything. Every time I bring it up with him he apologizes sincerely, says he knows he shouldn’t do things like that and promises to be better.

But it’s been happening for about a month now. We’ve been dating for three years, and I love  him, so I want to make things work. But I worry that he’s taking advantage of the fact that he knows I won’t leave him for these things. What can I do?

—Tired And Confused

Trapped,

I am sad.

I’m not sure why I’m feeling so serious about this, but I am all out of snark. That’s right, folks. The Doc is finally sassed out.

For you, Tired And Confused, Weary And Lost, I have no obscure pop culture references, I have no extended metaphors, and I have absolutely no wordplay.

The only thing I have to my name is a torrential downpour of teardrops. I just texted Goldy, like, “I can’t believe this girl and her douchebag of a boyfriend. It’s really hitting me hard for some reason.” He’s coming over to spin his head for me. “LOLOLOL GOLDY,” I text.

T And C, you have to leave your boyfriend. He’s just not a nice guy. He’s bad to you. He’s mean to you. He makes you feel helpless. That’s not what love is about.

What is love? Love is the absence of carelessness and selfishness. It’s a blade of grass standing tall in the wind. It’s shared passwords. It’s a man so entranced by you that he wouldn’t even imagine hitting on another girl, except maybe in a weird dream that leaves him in cold sweats. Love is someone who’s dying to come over to your house, whether you’ve got plans or not.

What you got ain’t love, toots. Remind yourself of what you want from a guy — not this baloney. I think we can agree on that. You want someone who is, at the very least, as interested in the relationship as you are. Wouldn’t you rather be single than be with somebody who causes you stress?

You are a very forgiving person, and any dude should feel lucky to spend time with someone so understanding.

—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I need you to work your magic.  Can you get me in touch with the boy in the CCE ad on page 10 of Monday’s paper?  He is promoting the ABuse classes for the summer and fall. He is attractive, and I think we would be great together.  Hook a sister up!

—The Newspaper Creeper

Daily Crazy,

The wizard is here to help you, creep! I’m waving my magic wand and pointing it to page 10 of Monday’s paper. Abra cadabra, my desperate hotties.

Hey, gentleman model! Are you interested in this sister? She knows you’d be great together. I believe her because I’m a wizard, and I can just tell that she’s a sweetheart.

If you’re both interested in making your own magic, meet at 3 p.m. on Friday. The weather is supposed to be OK then. A fine 73 degrees.

How about you meet at the Purple Onion, at one of the outside tables? I hear they serve decent potion (heh) there.

If one of you can’t make it, send a friend as a representative.

If anyone reading this knows the ABuse model, alert him! A sexy sorceress wants to meet your classmate/friend/roommate.

Another note to all of my patients: If you’re  looking for a girl who’s looking for love, our sister’s going to be sitting outside of the Purple Onion at 3 p.m. on Friday. Wait until about 3:30 or so to swoop in and say, “Oh man, I can’t believe the ABuse guy didn’t show up! But hey listen, I’m like… I’m kind of a model, and there are a few things I promote, like how… beautiful you look… Hi.”

You’re welcome, world.

—Dr. Date