Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

 I’m really into the guy in the signs and ads for Elmwood Apartments. How do I go about getting with him? I know the girl hanging on his shoulder is only fake in-love with him. Do I have to live at those apartments to be that happy?

 —Looking To Move

Love At First Sign,

I mean, I don’t know how to answer your question about living at the Elmwood estate. I am chained to a desk here, and it’s not often that I get out. When my overlords do set me free, I’m not exactly making a beeline to Como.

I don’t know how to help you trap this amateur male model, but I have an idea: Hey, Elmwood guy, if you’re reading this, there’s a sweet young thang who’s in love with your pretty smile. Drop me a line at mndaily.com/backtalk if you want to learn more! And, Looking To Move, keep reading this paper week after week. If the Elmwood guy responds, I’ll put it in this box and arrange a time for you two lovebirds to “sign a lease.”

—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

 Summer classes just started and, whoa, am I into the short shorts and miniskirts on my fellow classmates. How do I use the whimsical nature of summer and laid-back summer-session atmosphere to advance my seasonal goal: gettin’ some under the sun?

 —Studious Stud

Stud(ent),

To you, I present the ABCs of summer ass:

A: Assertiveness

Take care and take a line from our good friend @Drizzy: #YOLO. You only live once.

So live as if you’re about to die. Be the man you’ve always wanted to be. Be assertive. Hell, it’s summer. Be aggressive.

You are henceforth banned from taking part in any of this vague “We should hang out” crap. Don’t even think about sending half-assed Facebook invites. You are no longer a pansy; you are no longer a sitting duck; you are no longer helpless.

Take control. Offer a concrete, confident invite to whomever you have your eye on. Make it easy on the girl. Make it so that all she has to do is say yes. Tell her a specific time, a specific place and a specific activity. Tell her you’ll swing by her place at 7 p.m. If she doesn’t have to work for it, it will be that much easier for her to say yes.

B: Beach

It’s easy to strike up conversations on the shores of our shallow lakes and not just because everyone is half naked.

This falls in with the assertiveness piece, but I highly recommend “accidentally” hitting a pretty person with a Frisbee/beach ball/water bottle. Then you get to do the whole, “Jeepers, lady, are you okay? Let me buy you a drink/rub your bruise/kiss you and make it all better” thing.

C: Car

Have a car so you can take day trips or partake in the sexiest summer “C” thing: Camping. I smell you and the girl you “accidentally” hit with a Frisbee getting jiggy with it in Duluth.

Class is DISMISSED!

—Dr. Date

Dr. Date,

I am currently studying abroad with a small group, and I’m one of only three dudes on this trip. Fortunately for me, there are lots of ladies looking to have a study-abroad romance they’ll always remember. How do I pursue three or four of these women at the same time without them noticing?

 —HELP From South America

South Of The Border, Out Of Order,

Why do you need three or four women? Are you compensating for some kind of inadequacy?

If you’re going with a group, chances are the chicks in the group will grow close and gossip about you all the live-long day. So be careful to only sleep with the ones who will NEVER talk to each other. This may prove to be impossible: After all, a girl who’s getting laid in a foreign country is endowed with some freakish confidence and will talk to anyone at any time. It’s just a thing, trust me. Cliques will probably form fast, but they’re nowhere near iron-clad.

You’re not safe, buck.

Don’t try your luck.

Stick with one …

—Dr. Date