Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
I just got offered a really good job in a different city. I like the company, but more importantly I need the money so I can start paying off my student loans. Unfortunately, my boyfriend wouldn’t be able to move for a couple years, so it would be long distance. We’ve done long distance for a year before, and it was terrible. There weren’t any relationship problems, but neither of us was very happy while we were apart, and sometimes batteries aren’t enough.
Everybody tells me to take the job. Especially since we’d stay together, so in a few years we’ll probably be able to live together again. But those are going to be a miserable few years.
I’d definitely stay if I had a good job offer here, but I don’t — and who knows when I’ll get one.
Should I follow my heart and stay or follow the money and leave?
—Mo Problems

Mo Problems,
Let’s operate under the assumption that the world is going to end in December of this year — that’s what some conspiracy theorist drew in the sand or something, right?
If you knew the world was going to end, you’d probably stay with your love, because, let’s be 100 percent real with each other, Mo — LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED.
People are so [expletive] fixated on their careers! If you take a look at the way people work in other countries, it’s wildly different. To the French, for instance, work is work, and work is not life. Love is life.
Always. Follow. Your. Heart. That’s the biggest no-brainer in the history of the world, along with stay out of the sun, and stay away from politicians.
Just promise me one thing, Mo. Make sure you know what your heart really wants. Is your solo future more important to you than your joined life with your boo?
Good luck.
—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
I used my girlfriend’s computer to check my email the other night while she was in the shower. When I started to type in my email URL, a peek into her tawdry internet history popped up. It was killing me, but I kept looking through what she had been up to … a lot. With just a glimpse of her history, I can tell that for a long while she’s been into, ahem, “big” time porn. I am an average-sized guy, and I seem to please her when we get down and dirty. But this look at her weird web wandering makes me question everything. What if I’m not enough? What if I don’t truly satisfy her, and never will?
 —Six-inch Sucker

Forlorn Porno,
The main thing to remember about porn is that it’s fantasy. Think about the stuff you watch — does your girlfriend look like the women in your porn? Probably not, and you’re probably okay with that. Give your girl the benefit of the doubt.
If you’re concerned about pleasing her, say something. Say, “Baby, how is this for you, really?”
Also, I don’t know, just a thought — you can compensate for any of your downstairs shortcomings by heading down to her crawl space, if you know what I mean.
But just so you know, Sucker, six inches is actually above average. In the United States, the average wiener is five and a half inches.
—Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,
I got broken up with over an email. I don’t know if it’s as bad as Carrie getting broken up with via a Post-It note, but it’s damn near close. Should I even take it seriously? If this guy can’t man up enough to dump me in person, or even over the phone, does he really know what’s good for him? Should I hit “delete” on that message and on this relationship, or should I pretend my mailbox was full and that I didn’t get his cowardly communication?
—Single … In Cyberspace

Cyberbullied,
Man alive, that sucks. At least a Post-It note has a personality, a D.I.Y. feel.
This guy sucks a lot. Delete, unfollow, unfriend, unlike, delete, delete, delete, forget, Ben & Jerry’s, delete, delete, forget.
—Dr. Date