Where my well-dressed fellas at? I know you’re out there, guys; perhaps you’re buried underneath some stodgy high school tees and University of Minnesota sweats, but I see through that. I believe in the power of dress.
If I squint my eyes ever so slightly, I see a budding fashionisto behind those abysmal wind pants and shoddy running shoes. You just need some guidance to let your dark and debonair side see some light.
When ordering a drink, which do you prefer?
A. Pabst Blue Ribbon
B. Rum and Coke
C. Scotch on the rocks
D. Stella Artois
When getting dinner with a date for the first time, where would you take him/her?
A. The Loring Pasta Bar
B. The Bachelor Farmer
C. Bryant-Lake Bowl
D. La Belle Vie
When participating in a formal event, which do you prefer to put on?
A. Skinny Tie
B. Clip-on Necktie
C. Regular Necktie
D. Bow Tie
When getting dressed in the morning, which type of pant are you most likely to slip into?
Which of these upcoming concerts would you pull the trigger and purchase tickets for first?
A. Tame Impala
C. Kenny Chesney
D. Jim James
Where do you like to get your beak wet on the weekends?
A. Blarney Pub and Grill
C. Palmer’s Bar
8 points and below: Simple Boi
Fashion may very well be foreign to you, and you’re disinterested in its entirety, but don’t stop reading quite yet — I’m not asking too much from you. A simple and classic way to spruce up your evening apparel is to put on a pair of dark denim and a printed button-down, then toss on a light, v-neck sweater top in a solid shade. For shoes, remember this cardinal rule: Never wear running shoes when going out. To stay casual, wear a pair of printed sneakers or slip-ons. This is a clean and easy look that leans in the right direction, toward adulthood instead of puberty.
9-12 points: Hip Kid
Though you have a certain style to you already, try dipping into a larger pool of items to add some jam to the peanut butter already on your palate. Try a pair of skinny trousers in an unorthodox shade of mustard or deep mahogany, coupled with a thrifted, worn tee or a simple henley underneath a fitted sports coat. Go ahead and wear your Chucks to the party for a little more hip flavor, and cap the look off with a beanie of your choice. Don’t quote me, but I think that’s what “fresh to death” looks like.
13-15 points: Fashionisto
You’ve got style, boy. Let people see. Wearing a pair of dark denim in a slim fit always leads an outfit on a cool note — now add a button-down and a tie to add some heat. Don’t leave it at that, though — add some more visual stimulation with a vest. Vests are great to dress up jeans, especially if the jean is a dark wash and not faded. Wearing a plaid or striped button-down will keep the look casual and rolling up the sleeves a tad will make it appear more effortless. Finish the outfit with a pair of leather oxfords on the dogs and a leather jacket over your shoulders.
16-17 points: Dapper Dawg
Well, well, well, you Scott Disick homage, you. Suave may very well be your middle name, but quit letting people have to guess at it. I urge you to play with patterns. Mix a tweed blazer with a gingham shirt and a polka dot bow tie for an aesthetically pleasing explosion of prints. Offset the eccentric nature of your upper half with a pair of navy trousers and a set of tasseled loafers for some feet-flair. I apologize for the obscene amount of phone numbers you’re about to get.
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