>Summertime sweaters, the saga continues. The NUTTIN DVDs, Special Editions and IMAX 3D are on the way for your air-conditioned pleasure. For now, a tribute to the man who returns to Earth to strike down all those NUTTIN rodents and their damn light sabers.
From Dr. Date:
Oh dearest galleon of greatest, Net. I know we haven't been properly introduced, but I write a little column below you every day called Dr. Date. Net: Who? Seeing as how you're a computer entity and I'm a flesh and blood relationship columnist, Net: Wishful thinking. it's been tough to actually meet you. But I have to tell you, I've enjoyed reading your column for years now. Net: Too late, Ann Landers and I are expecting. If you've read my column, you might think I have a little obsession with a certain hockey player named Barry Tallackson. Net: With that hockey stick?
But it's just not true. I've come to you to seek relationship advice. You see Net, you're the one I have a crush on. You and your wit have attracted me since my first year at this University. Net: So you're a freshman? I've been searching the Daily high and low, in the janitor's closet, up on the roof and I even ventured into the server room but I wasn't able to find you. Where are you? 'Cause I think I'm in love.
Net: So you give advice? Poor NUTTIN' humanoids. May Gates save us all.
Net - I'm writing you today about an epidemic sweeping the Twin Cities area. Net: Fox 9 reporters?
And by epidemic, I mean something really bad that I've been noticing a lot more than I used to. Net: Sweaty Gopher warts of the mouth? Put plainly, it seems as though everyone but me is either completely inconsiderate or completely oblivious to the things around them. Net: Jesus, Brother Jed, is it really you? This goes far beyond just sitting in the left lane on the freeway while 20 cars line up behind your 50-mile per hour ass Net: Poor nut. I'm talking common courtesy violations here. I've got a few requests for anyone reading this. Net: This should be goodÖ
1) If you are in a group of four or more people, do not form a line on the sidewalk that won't allow anyone by. If you do, please at least notice them Net: and spit profusely when they are within two feet of you, and move aside.
2) Don't stop walking without knowing what's behind you. If I had a nickel for everytime this happened, I'd take the nickel, Net: buy a purple light saber and shove it... well you get the idea. Net: With sophomores, Yoda has fun.
3) If somebody is waiting for you to move from a doorway, get off Net: your thumb or the phone, move your shopping cart, move so he or she can make a turn in his or her car, or order food, don't take your sweet time. Do what you need to do, and get the NUTT out of the there. With conceal and carry coming back, you don't want to test anyone's patience these days. Net: You're in the elephant crew too, eh? Trust me.
Net: Do onto others as they do onto you. Hence the spitting, quaint yelling into cellies and rockin' to jail-bound Jacko. Ah, one NUTT world.
One day during finals week, I came across a NUTTING parade of ducks and it hit me how illogical and just plain weird it is that people used to play "Duck Duck Goose." I would like to announce that it is officially "Duck Duck Gray Duck". Net: Mother Goose, did you get the e-mail?
First of all, it was not a parade of ducks and geese, only ducks. So, when people claim they are playing "duck duck goose", where did the goose come from?
Net: Probably Scotland; they came up with those plaid kilts after all.
When ducks are in a parade or circle or anything else, they are all surrounded by other ducks. No geese involved.
Net: Defend yeeself Goosers. Dailite ambulance chasers, arm ye positions.