>From The Clamburgler
Ok Networkia, it's time to re-emphasize a fundamental truth once more: Freshmen suck ass. Net: So you're a sophomore? Why on earth do freshmen feel the need to get drunk and blare some lame rap song at three in the NUTTing morning!? Net: Rapping about getting ass is the next best thing to actually doing it. There's nothing more I like in this world than being roused from dreams of sneaky clam heists to listen to R. Kelly moan on with a chorus of chanting drunken morons at 3am. Net: "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi is our personal favorite. The RAs should be allowed to beat such people with rusty chains until they get the idea that they are a noise disturbance and would normally be fined or arrested anywhere else. Net: Rusty chains are nice, but nothing tops a Singapore-style public caning. Something about the sound of wet bamboo connecting with bare ass just puts a smile on our collective cyberfaces. Oh, and one more thing: To those damn guitar/drum circles that form at Pioneer's North smoking area at 1am, the next time I hear you going on about how much you love Jesus, I'm going to go down there, smash your head in with that guitar and strangle you with the wire. Thanks Networkia, and keep those clams hidden. Net: Rubbish. Display your clams with pride Networkia. Unless they are hairy; no one likes a hairy clam.
I have a query for you- where oh where did our dear friend Neo go? Net: Don't ask us. We didn't have the willpower to make it through "Matrix Revolutions." His deep, introspective gait with hands clasped behind, and especially his martial arts training sessions on the mall entertained me to no end. Speaking of entertainment, there was a girl sitting in front of me in class today wearing over-sized shoulder pads; that is funny to me. Now some fun facts: CLA sucks; Intelligent Design is a joke; and girls suck at driving and locking their bikes up. Net: Those aren't fun facts. How about this: A Hummer H2 could be driven around the world 244 times on the excess calories Americans consume each year. Talk about a bunch of fatties.
What happened to the raging debate about the only issue that matters on this campus: Getting rid of fat chicks. Net: Rumor has it Bruininks is working a proposal as we speak. You might say he's giving them the GC treatment. Ladies, and yes I mean the one sitting behind me in the Magrath Library computer lab, put the doughnut down. You don't need all of the food you eat in a day, hell, Boise probably doesn't need that much. Also, what the hell happened to jokes about important things, like pants? Net: Pants are overrated. Kilts are where it's at. Where's the love? Hugs and kisses.
Oy, Net! It's time for the Livestrong bracelets to go away. Way to go frat boy! Way to give one NUTTing dollar to charity. Net: Yeah, that's worth, like, a whole can of High Life. Your heart must have grown ten sizes bigger from such generosity. Net: It's the thought that counts. Although, last we checked, thoughts aren't worth squat at the bank. And I'm glad to see you're living much stronger too now that you have your hideous yellow bracelet...that colors so every NUTTing person can see how awesome you are. If you need attention that much from other people why not just buy a mirror and look at yourself all day long? Net: Mirror, shmirrorÖwhat do you think the Greek system is for? Or, if you **actually** care about cancer research give more money than an apple pie at McNUTTingDonalds. Net: In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, do it for the boobs, Networkia!