.From funny-less in Centennial
All right Net, its time to talk about the real issues, like world hunger, campaign finance reform, and who is stealing the NUTTING funnies out of the Sunday papers in the Centennial Lobby!! Net: Our money is on the Hamburglar. Ever since he went vegan he's been looking for something to fill the void. Every Sunday I wake up and I want to read the paper while eating the slop that is largely exaggerated to be breakfast. Net: Mmm, reconstituted egg product. Part of the lure of reading the Sunday paper is the funnies! Net: We find the obituaries far more entertaining. I can't do that if people steal them! Net: Save yourself the trouble and go buy a Calvin and Hobbes book. Sunday is supposed to be a nice easy day, to relax and tie up loose ends, and it doesn't help if I start the day out funny-less. So I implore you, you funny-bandits, please just take the whole paper, you might actually learn something!
Yo network. Net: Word up. I am completely disgusted by the lack of spirit displayed at our fine University. Net: If you think that's disgusting, you've obviously never had multiple male roommates. Five different types of pubes scattered throughout a bathroom, now that's gross. Who the NUTT leaves a Big 10 football game before it ends? It's people like you, retards and drunkards who can't stay through the whole game that give the U a reputation for poor school spirit. Net: They can't help it if they have a short attention span. We blame MTV. How about you wait until AFTER the game to go back and get rip-roaring drunk, you NUTTS!!!
So do we all remember those hideous gaucho pants that were the craze in September? Net: 'Twas so long ago. You know, those black pants that cling to fat girls' gargantuan asses and cellulite-covered thighs? Net: How could we forget? Anyways, they were so NUTTing gross and unflattering, but I never thought I'd see the day that dudes wore pants equally unattractive. I must have seen at least 5 guys this past week with those awful sweatpants that get tight around the ankle. Net: Gasp! Alert! Sweatpants with tight ankles that ride up your calves are disgusting! Especially when they're worn with sandals and socks! Net: Unless they're black socks, those go sweet with sandals. I'd almost rather see a girl in gauchos with her butt cheeks slapping together, than a dude whose tight pants are riding up is hairy NUTThole!
YO NET what's up with all the chicks on campus like wearing jackets and stuff? Net: No kidding. You'd think it is almost winter or something. It's 45 degrees outside; you girls need to put on a tube top, short skirts and heels! That's what I'm talking about. On the subject of NUTTing, clearly the best place on campus is 1701 University Ave., it being the sole provider of heavenly goodness known as 2-ply toilet paper.
Hey net! So I lost my flash drive in the J-school lab a week ago and I really want it back. Who really takes a flash drive full of important documents and doesn't feel the least bit guilty about it? Net: Important documents, eh? If that's what you want to call your homemade porn, that's fine by us. All of my internship applications were on it (AKA my FUTURE). What a bastard. The least they could do is email me all of my stuff if they're going to keep the stupid thing. Net: That's like asking a thief to return the tampons they inadvertently stole along with your purse. And we all know how much thieves love tampons. Help me out net.