Stalking U

Okay, which one of ya'll's been sending Ms. Spears freaky-deaky stalker stuff in the mail? Her latest crazed paramour, well, their letters, are a-comin' from MPLS, and since it sure ain't Holla sending our girl headless dolls and naked pictures, it's just gotta be someone at the U! All right, who is it? We're gonna catch you someday, y'know! Our eyes & ears are everywhere, babies.

Brit's stalkerooney is taking loony to the next level - guess what's in those packages? No, no, not panties or Starbucks gift cards or Marlboro Lights, but sex toys probably purchased at 4 a.m. at Sex World and handwritten letters full of God-knows-what. And to make matters all the more alarmingly entertaining, Stalker o' Spears is totally hot - middle-aged, stringy hair, mouth full of some yellowy stuff - yummy! Homeboy even took the time to cut holes where his eyes should be just to shiver Brit's timbers all the more.

Okay, so Holla is totally not endorsing stalkerism, but at least the good ol' Twin Cities are providing a sterling example of how to terrify your fave celebs. And when you're sittin' on the 16 bus, take a look around - someone right next to you probably just dropped a letter in the mail for Brit-Brit. How's that for public safety?

Better than your airport bathroom, slightly

You probably already know this one, but we here at Holla Backlash-land looove when politicians get themselves into, shall-we-say, "sticky" situations - especially when those slimy happenstances involve hookers! Oh, prostitutes & politicians, best combination since Holla & Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Eggs.

Since we know ya'll are just on the edge of your seats waiting for the big to-do, this time it was oh-so-charming New York governor Eliot Spitzer caught with his (literal) pants down, with a hooker he special ordered from out-of-state the day before Valentine's Day. Say it with us: awww. How romantic.

But whoopsy, guess what Spitzy? You can't treat a call girl like cargo. The federal government's got their eyes on you. Espesh when your hooker of choice charges $1,000 per hour and you gotta stay four hours just to please her! Yowsa! Hope that isn't where the taxpayers' dollars are going.

And now the G.O.P. is callin' for a resignation and Holla's favorite "View" panelist, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, is screamin' that Spitzer's a horrible, power-hungry demon. So, y'know, Spitzy did the whole "I'm a bad, bad boy" press conference, but ol' Hasselbeck ain't havin' it. Oh, such wholesome values she has! Now, Holla hates Elisabeth with the fire of a thousand Death Valley suns even if we do find her warped Pollyanna view of reality kinda funny, but she does have a point about Spitzy refusing to buy stock in the Trojan company - wrap it up, dude! That hooker doesn't know where you've been!

'Saturday Night's' dead

It was a hap-hap-happy week at Holla last Wednesday when our precious lil' pocket-sized Ferocia Coutura, Christian Siriano took home the gold on "Project Runway." Babychild with the "fierce" side-swept emo bangs and penchant for ruffles was the obvious "fierce" choice on Heidi K's "fierce" fash-centric Bravo-drama. Mr. "Hot Tranny Mess" even challenged the original "Hot Tranny Mess," Tim Gunn, to a "Zoolander" homage of a walk-off, so obvz it was his destiny to win!

Just so happens that so-not-funny "SNL" stole Holla's idea to poke a bit o' fun at "Project Runway's" overuse of silly catchphrases. (And we quote, "Make it work, designers! You're either in ... or you're out." et cetera.) Gee, "SNL," keep your unfunny paws outta Holla's honey jar and get off the air - we'd rather see more episodes of "Law & Order: SVU" than your gags. Really, Lorne Michaels, let it die. Oh, Holla, we're so "fierce!" (Actually, we're really more of a "hot tranny mess.")

Paging Davis, GO HOME!

Remember "Trading Spaces," That TLC home makeover show with those kooky designers gluing hay to the walls that was sooo popular back in junior high? The show that introduced that hunky Ty Pennington to the world and opened the doors for him to create that piece of sentimental crap, "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition." Ringing any bells? Well, guess what? It's still on! (Obviously Ty-less. He's too busy smoking pot and changing lives.)

Yeah, who knew? And ex-host Paige Davis is making a "Spaces" comeback, trying to inject some of her incessant perkiness back into a dead, dead, DEAD cash-cow. That's the valuable Holla lesson of this issue: Know when to give up. Holla Backlash, so inspiring. Take that to heart when you're cramming for some exam: give it up!

Oh darlings, make sure to think of little ol' Holla while you're whooping it up and pounding down tequila shots at Señor Frog's in Cabo during Spring Break! Stay safe and watch out for errant politicians! (Then again ... ) Hope we'll be seein' you on "Girls Gone Wild!" (Or "Girls With Low Self-Esteem!")