Expecto vaginum!

There's one rule in Hollywoodland that seems ripe for the breaking, and that rule is the following commandment issued from not Mount Sinai but from the very tippy-top of the "H" in the Hollywood sign overlooking that torrid paradise: Thou shalt wear panties. Back in the Golden Age, ALL starlets kept their undergarments securely fastened and their knees shut tight while ridin' around in limousines with Clark Gable and Charlton Heston. But today, noooo way, don'tcha know we do what we want?

We mean, obviously everyone knows the ins and outs of Britney's reproductive system since seeing her 'gine during her stint as a Hilton-loving wild child, but that's ancient history! Since that vag slip the paps have been ravenous for cooter shots, and who is the most recent victim to fall prey to their terrible trap habit of shooting right up those teeny-weeny miniskirts? Only the sweetest of the sweet, the most innocent of the naïve, the idol of a thousand fangirls - of course we don't mean Miley Ray Cyrus, who we'll be dishin' about in a few - but Emma Watson, who plays smartypants heroine Hermione in that little franchise you might have heard about, Harry Potter? Yeah, that one - it's pretty indie, we were into it before it got big but now it's all mainstream, we just can't like it anymore after they sold out.

(Ahem. Apologies. Holla just gets on those trends before they get big, 'cause we're cool like that ... did you see us on the Cobrasnake in our Urban Outfitters skinny acid wash jeans and American Apparel gold bodysuit? No? Your loss.)

Well, here's the deal. Miss Watson just turned the big 1-8, making her legal game for those pervy dudes with their gigantic penile substitute cameras to aim right between her legs, and she accidentally flashed them a bit more than they bargained for.

Now, since Em is a heroine for little girls everywhere we aren't gonna discuss the deets of said slipup, but rest assured it's available all over the fine establishment we call the Internet.

Not to perpetuate the Hollywood stereotype, but hey, Hermione, there's this magical spell called the Brazilian ... oh wait, you're just turning 18, and Holla should not be discussing such things. Eek!

Hand on Montana?!

Another young lady who can't seem to keep her private parts private is the aforementioned Miley Ray Cyrus, our darling little Hannah Montana, the idol of little girls from North Dakota to the Netherlands. Miley obviously knows she's a hot lil' ticket. She's been exploiting this in a series of MySpace-worthy teenybop-porn pics, in which she displays a neon green Victoria's Secret Very Sexy bra to the world, and makes some very suggestive googly eyes at an as-yet-unnamed Lothario (who's busy leering at her exposed midriff in another pic).

Daddy Billy Ray has always struck Holla as a bit on the pervy side, so we're not so sure he's objecting to these rrrrracy pics making their way all across the World Wide Web.

Is Miley gonna keep her cherry for her future husband? Probs not - don't you know, little girl, that making those kind of public proclamations about virginity only causes you to lose it to Justin Timberlake and then suddenly get all cuckoo's nest? Those Disney kids and their salaciousness! In the days of Walt Disney, this stuff didn't happen. We never saw naked pictures of Daisy Duck!

Mariah's hefty claim

If you know anything at all about Holla, and you should since we've been around for our fair share of years, know that we l-o-v-e, love Mariah Carey and all of her crazy divaliciousness. We love her ridiculous demands: dog chauffers, $10,000 gyms installed right next to her hotel suite, no pictures of Christina Aguilera in her vicinity, a 15-person entourage including an attendant solely for handing MC towels ... she's nuts! And the most nutso thing of all is that MC is claiming she lost 20 pounds in preparation for her new album "E=MC2," which A&E so conveniently reviewed for your pleasure last week.

Now, we're fans of the "US Weekly" "Look how much weight I lost!" cover stories, but Mariah, honey, there is no way on Earth you could've dropped that much weight! You look exactly the same (in real life, not on the Photoshopped cover) as you did last year! You do have a funny little body shape, and we're sure that teeny-weeny waist is just the product of several layers of Spanx underneath your skintight dresses - we ain't fooled, girlfriend! But we are wonderin' how shedding 20 pounds is supposed to translate into a better album? R-E-S-P-E-C-T, mean anything to anyone anymore?

So, little precious Holla-bunnies, because it's Spring Jam Holla's got the itch to mix up a coupla Long Island Iced Teas and hang out at Northrop watching the boys with their shirts off in the 65 degree weather (soo hot, huh dudes?) and take our own little trip to "Celebrity Rehab." So please, you stay as classy as possible, Minneapolis/St. Paul! And enjoy the washed-up indie pop acts the University has to offer for your drunken entertainment!