Oh our goodness, this is the last time Holla will enrich your life and learning experiences because we, like you, have to travel to Finals-Land ... what an unhappy place! Perhaps we should all just take a rain check and spend our last week watching "The Hills" and "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila." Much more fun, right? And if you add some cookies, well, we got ourselves a party! Why do we need sparkling transcripts when we can have Olsen Twins?

It isn't that ironic

Hear that? Shh, listen closely - it's the sound of a million young men groaning in anguish as a lifelong case of blue balls sets in, 'cause guess what? Babelicious Scarlett Johansson is engaged! She's got a diamond chastity belt around that all-important finger courtesy of the well-built and studly Ryan Reynolds. (Not ringing a bell, dudes? C'mon, he's like totally Van Wilder!) Whoopee!

Now, if you remember waaay back in like 2005, Mr. Reynolds was planning on tying the knot with the far-less-attractive but far-more-vocally talented Alanis Morissette, and we know what Alanis does when she feels she's been wronged: she writes a really vicious song about giving head in a theater to Uncle Joey from "Full House!" Let's hope she lets it rip on Reynolds ... even if we are still sorta in shock 10 years later, after discovering the true source between "You Oughta Know." Dave Coulier? Uncle Joey? Really? He does impressions of Bullwinkle the moose!

And if things go sour between ScarJo and Ryan, she can always chronicle it in an album too - her debut CD of Tom Waits (yeah, we had the same reaction) covers drops like the bomb it's gonna be in a few weeks!

It's not her fault she's a Scientologist

In celebration of our impending freedom from the chains of this fine institution of higher learning, we feel just like jumping on a couch in imitation of everyone's favorite Scientologist Tom Cruise, who has been a mainstay of our required reading material ("InTouch," "Us Weekly" and "Star") for a few years now, at least ever since Xenu hooked him up with Katie Holmes and the folks at the Scientology Celebrity Center took out her brain!

See, we really don't like T-Cruise at all. Something about him, probably that helter-skelter giggle and the fact that he's like, 5'7", rubs us the wrong way - but Oprah sure finds him irresistible! She even devoted two whole episodes of her show to stroking his ego! The two of them ride around on snowmobiles at Cruise's cozy Colorado getaway and look deeply into each other's eyes as they stare off at the infinite distance ... it could almost be a scene from a Katie Holmes movie!

However, Tom has given us one wonderful gift in little daughter Suri, who at 2 years old looks primed to take over the world simply by existing and being cute. Even if she might have been genetically engineered by scientists who look like John Travolta, or if the bottles she's still drinking (she's 2!) are full of mind-control baby formula with space dust particles! We'd be OK with stylish lil' Suri taking over the nation, but we hope her Scientologist daddy and his cuckoo pals like Travolta and Dharma from "Dharma & Greg" stay far, far away from the capitol building. "Battlefield Earth: The Reality Show," anyone?

Bye-bye Doooooctoooor Phiiiiil?

Speaking of Oprah, word on the streets is that she's getting a bit weary of champion people-helper Dr. Phil - Holla's not quite sure what exactly his title is, but perhaps he got his doctorate in Drawing Out Syllables? Seriously, ya'll, haaaave youuu evvveeer watched an episode of his show? If we were Oprah we'd be tired too, since it takes him about four hours just to tough-talk your slutty 14-year-old. Send him Maury's way!

Mashed po-ta-toes and babies

Little Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby shower this past weekend in her home holler of Kentwood, La., and guess who took some time from her busy schedule to pop by? Big sis Britney, of course!

We aren't so sure what happened at the ole gatherin', but we bet they served fried chicken and we hope Brit brought some of Sean P. and Jayden J.'s old baby-size wifebeaters for her sister's future progeny!

We hear J-L's bun in the oven is a lil' girl, so maybe she'll name her after her auntie Brit! Do they make infant-sized plaid miniskirts?

:-(…

Lindsay Lohan has had a tough couple years, hasn't she? Our precious girl dyed her hair blonde, got a taste for the cocaine, aged about 15 years, had a couple innocent fender-benders, went to rehab and now she's finding her once-pretty visage splayed all over cautionary anti-drunk driving ad. Her mugshot (wonder which one? LiLo's got two, y'know, and that's almost more than Gary Busey!)

CAUTION: You too could end up looking like a fresh-baked Lon-Guyland housewife if you ain't careful, ladies! Slap on that SPF and stay out of Darque Tan! (Even if their tanning packages are good and irresistible deals!)

Au revoir les enfants!

While you're busy cramming factoids into that brain of yours, perhaps you should take a minute (or an hour) to indulge in some "Gossip Girl," and pray a lil' for Holla while you do, because we're sure gonna miss you all! Or, you know, dump a little whiskey into that coffee mug, because we know from experience that Walter Library loooooves drunks! Xoxo!