Dear Dr. Date,
My close friend is really effing up, Doc. He’s been hanging out with this one girl who has a boyfriend in Spain, and they plan to attend a friend’s wedding together in a few weeks. 
Basically, it’s just about guaranteed that this girl is going to cheat on her boyfriend with my friend. Even worse, my friend is counting on this to happen because he really wants to get his dick wet. Yeah, I know, he’s being kind of a douche right now.
Dear Dr. Date,
I’ve been seeing this one guy for a few weeks now and things have been weird. The things I like about him so far are as follows: He’s cute, he skates (love) and he is really funny. Things I dislike about him are as follows: He lives half an hour away and doesn’t have a car, so I end up driving a ton whenever we hang out, and he might be really dumb. 
Dear Dr. Date,
I recently graduated and moved on to the big leagues in more than a couple ways. I’m working a few part time jobs, getting my money up and living in my own apartment. You know, grown-up stuff. I’m even dating this totally gorgeous woman who’s a few years older, so it’s like I’m taking my love life to the big leagues, too.
Dear Dr. Date,
I love my girlfriend to death — honestly. She’s always been there for me with kind words and even kinder actions, so she’s earned this place in my heart. Just between you and me, though, Doc, I recently found out how unbearably annoying she is when she gets drunk with her family.
You see, we were figuring out ways of celebrating my twenty-first birthday, and she suggested I spend some time with her and her family.
Dear Dr. Date,
I’ve been hanging out with this one girl for the past couple months — casual dates, hooking up, that kind of stuff. I started to really like her, and I thought she felt the same because she would tell me about seeing a potential future for something more official between us. Hell, she even brought flowers to my house for me one time — talk about a cool move. 
The other day, though, I was going through Instagram and I found a profile that was followed by a lot of my other followers, so I checked it out.
Dear Dr. Date,
I recently started becoming closer with a friend of mine, and it’s been great. We went from amicable acquaintances to good buds in no time at all, so it’s been cool to hang out all the time and watch stupid movies and stuff like that. 
But whenever we hang out at her place, I can’t help but notice how effing attractive her roommate is. We only get to talk a little bit in passing, but I’m convinced that she’s something special.
“Guy 1: “You’re being sassy!”
Guy 2: “No, YOU’RE being sassy!”
Guy 1: “Dude, you put the SASS in sassy!”
Professor: “We were invaded by Alaska. Never quote me on anything about history.”
—Tate Lab
Tour Guide: “Make sure you wave at the college students; they like the attention.”
“I nicked my nipple shaving with a picture.” 
—Middlebrook dining hall
Girl: “Oh my gosh!
Professor: “Sixty-five degrees and you guys act like oversexed teenagers!”
Officer: “We’re gonna need more cars.”
Drunk guy being chased by riot police: “DUDE, I SAID NO TAGBACKS!”
“If we win, we riot. If we lose, we riot. If the U cancels Spring Jam over this, we riot.”
—Coffman Union
Person 1: “My son is taking medicine to increase his appetite since he’s such a picky eater.”
Person 2: “Oh, really? What is it, medical marijuana?”
—Walter Library
TA: “I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I just spent 10 minutes looking at cowboy boots on Etsy!”
Guest speaker: “A lot of what I’m saying here may or may not be true.”
 —Ecology class
Professor: “If anyone shares the exam questions, I will find you and cut you into pieces.”
—Moos Tower
Professor: “Don’t eat your crayons if you want to be a vegetarian.”
—Ruttan Hall
“Had like 10 things to post on ‘Overheard’ this semester, but I ain’t no snitch.”
“What’s ‘earl sweatshirt?’”
Professor: “It’s the same with travel manuals and porn. I’d rather do it myself than watch someone else do it.”
—Nicholson Hall
Girl to her friend: “Hold on, I have to Instagram my first iced drink of 2014.”
Girl: “Look! It’s soil! SOIL! We can plant things in it!”
 —McNeal Hall
Girl: “Guys! My piss was clear!”
“You talked a big game all week, and then you didn’t even show up to White Castle!”
—Amundson Hall
Guy 1: “Are we gonna make bro tanks for the trip?”
Guy 2: “No.”
Guy 1: “We’re wearing bro tanks on the trip.”
Guy 2: “If you wear a bro shirt, I will set you on fire.”
—Bio-Medical Library
Professor: “Nobody walks into a room naked. It’s not as exciting as a strip tease.”
Minnesota Daily Serving the University of Minnesota Community since 1900