Dr. Date,
I’m so pissed right now that it’s hard for me to type this.
Dr. Date,
My boyfriend is perfect; he’s charming, smart and extremely considerate. We’ve been dating for almost two years, and it’s the most serious relationship I’ve ever been in.
Dr. Date,
One of my best friends started dating this girl who is still in high school. I’ve met the girl multiple times, and I figured since she is dating one of my best friends, I would friend her on Facebook. I friended her on Facebook and got the following response:
Dr. Date,
Why do most guys find it hard to maintain friendships when they start dating? All of my friends who get in committed relationships fall out of the tight friend circle quickly. We don’t spend as much time together, and our hangouts are constantly interrupted with texts from the girls. It sucks.
—Missing the Bros
 
Dear Ignored Brother,
Dr. Date,
I have a massive crush on this guy who is tall, dark and handsome. He has great music taste, he’s extremely goofy and we always have a good time when we’re together. The only problem is …
He’s my roommate. Help, Dr. Date! I don’t know how to make the first move. He’s never bringing girls home, and since we moved in with each other three weeks ago, he hasn’t been talking about other girls.
Dr. Date,
My buddy is in this really lame relationship — his girlfriend is so controlling! They’ve been dating for about six months now, but she’s increasingly gotten worse. She controls his “curfew,” doesn’t let him eat what he wants and gets upset when he hangs out with me and our friends. And if he doesn’t text her constantly, she goes bat-shit crazy.
Dr. Date,
So there is this girl in my political science class, and I’ve never talked to her, but I’m nearing a high school-esque obsession, and it feels kind of right.
She always looks great and answers questions intelligently with a strong amount of cynicism, but she still seems happy and confident enough.
We’ve definitely given each other looks, but we’ve never worked together. And we both always split right after class.
“Guy 1: “You’re being sassy!”
Guy 2: “No, YOU’RE being sassy!”
Guy 1: “Dude, you put the SASS in sassy!”
—Unknown
 
Professor: “We were invaded by Alaska. Never quote me on anything about history.”
—Tate Lab
 
Tour Guide: “Make sure you wave at the college students; they like the attention.”
—Unknown
 
“I nicked my nipple shaving with a picture.” 
—Middlebrook dining hall
 
Girl: “Oh my gosh!
 
Professor: “Sixty-five degrees and you guys act like oversexed teenagers!”
—STSS
 
Officer: “We’re gonna need more cars.”
—Dinkytown
 
Drunk guy being chased by riot police: “DUDE, I SAID NO TAGBACKS!”
—Unknown
 
“If we win, we riot. If we lose, we riot. If the U cancels Spring Jam over this, we riot.”
—Coffman Union
 
Person 1: “My son is taking medicine to increase his appetite since he’s such a picky eater.”
Person 2: “Oh, really? What is it, medical marijuana?”
—Walter Library
 
TA: “I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I just spent 10 minutes looking at cowboy boots on Etsy!”
—Unknown
 
Guest speaker: “A lot of what I’m saying here may or may not be true.”
 —Ecology class
 
Professor: “If anyone shares the exam questions, I will find you and cut you into pieces.”
—Moos Tower
 
Professor: “Don’t eat your crayons if you want to be a vegetarian.”
—Ruttan Hall
 
“Had like 10 things to post on ‘Overheard’ this semester, but I ain’t no snitch.”
 —Unknown
 
“What’s ‘earl sweatshirt?’”
Professor: “It’s the same with travel manuals and porn. I’d rather do it myself than watch someone else do it.”
—Nicholson Hall
 
Girl to her friend: “Hold on, I have to Instagram my first iced drink of 2014.”
—Starbucks
 
Girl: “Look! It’s soil! SOIL! We can plant things in it!”
 —McNeal Hall
 
Girl: “Guys! My piss was clear!”
—McDonald’s
“You talked a big game all week, and then you didn’t even show up to White Castle!”
—Amundson Hall
 
Guy 1: “Are we gonna make bro tanks for the trip?”
Guy 2: “No.”
Guy 1: “We’re wearing bro tanks on the trip.”
Guy 2: “If you wear a bro shirt, I will set you on fire.”
—Bio-Medical Library
 
Professor: “Nobody walks into a room naked. It’s not as exciting as a strip tease.”
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