Dear Dr. Date,
I recently started becoming closer with a friend of mine, and it’s been great. We went from amicable acquaintances to good buds in no time at all, so it’s been cool to hang out all the time and watch stupid movies and stuff like that. 
But whenever we hang out at her place, I can’t help but notice how effing attractive her roommate is. We only get to talk a little bit in passing, but I’m convinced that she’s something special.
“Guy 1: “You’re being sassy!”
Guy 2: “No, YOU’RE being sassy!”
Guy 1: “Dude, you put the SASS in sassy!”
—Unknown
 
Professor: “We were invaded by Alaska. Never quote me on anything about history.”
—Tate Lab
 
Tour Guide: “Make sure you wave at the college students; they like the attention.”
—Unknown
 
“I nicked my nipple shaving with a picture.” 
—Middlebrook dining hall
 
Girl: “Oh my gosh!
 
Professor: “Sixty-five degrees and you guys act like oversexed teenagers!”
—STSS
 
Officer: “We’re gonna need more cars.”
—Dinkytown
 
Drunk guy being chased by riot police: “DUDE, I SAID NO TAGBACKS!”
—Unknown
 
“If we win, we riot. If we lose, we riot. If the U cancels Spring Jam over this, we riot.”
—Coffman Union
 
Person 1: “My son is taking medicine to increase his appetite since he’s such a picky eater.”
Person 2: “Oh, really? What is it, medical marijuana?”
—Walter Library
 
TA: “I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I just spent 10 minutes looking at cowboy boots on Etsy!”
—Unknown
 
Guest speaker: “A lot of what I’m saying here may or may not be true.”
 —Ecology class
 
Professor: “If anyone shares the exam questions, I will find you and cut you into pieces.”
—Moos Tower
 
Professor: “Don’t eat your crayons if you want to be a vegetarian.”
—Ruttan Hall
 
“Had like 10 things to post on ‘Overheard’ this semester, but I ain’t no snitch.”
 —Unknown
 
“What’s ‘earl sweatshirt?’”
Professor: “It’s the same with travel manuals and porn. I’d rather do it myself than watch someone else do it.”
—Nicholson Hall
 
Girl to her friend: “Hold on, I have to Instagram my first iced drink of 2014.”
—Starbucks
 
Girl: “Look! It’s soil! SOIL! We can plant things in it!”
 —McNeal Hall
 
Girl: “Guys! My piss was clear!”
—McDonald’s
“You talked a big game all week, and then you didn’t even show up to White Castle!”
—Amundson Hall
 
Guy 1: “Are we gonna make bro tanks for the trip?”
Guy 2: “No.”
Guy 1: “We’re wearing bro tanks on the trip.”
Guy 2: “If you wear a bro shirt, I will set you on fire.”
—Bio-Medical Library
 
Professor: “Nobody walks into a room naked. It’s not as exciting as a strip tease.”
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