Dr. Date,
I’ve recently started hanging out with this guy, and I’d consider us an official “thing,” if you know what I mean. We have great conversations, and he seems like one of the most caring people I’ve ever met. We spend almost every night together. But there’s one thing I’ve kept from him: I’m a virgin.
Dr. Date,
I recently tried lesbian sex for the first time, and I enjoyed it. But I’ve always considered myself straight. I feel like I’m having an identity crisis. What do I do now?
—Men, Women or Both?
 
Broadening the Spectrum,
Dr. Date,
I’m trying to lose weight, and my boyfriend is making the situation tough. We’re constantly getting into fights because he’ll say things like “Are you really going to eat that?” or “Hey, how about you head to the gym for 30 minutes instead of watching this Keeping Up with the Kardashians episode?” I’d like to think his comments come from a good place and he’s trying to help me, but they don’t seem constructive. They seem mean.
Dr. Date,
I went home with my girlfriend over the holiday weekend, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life.
Her family is extremely conservative, and I felt so out of place. They dragged me to multiple church services, made unsettling remarks about my political views and constantly monitored my physical interactions with my girlfriend. No way did we sleep in the same bed.
Dr. Date,
Hey Doc, how much time has to pass before it’s known that you should exchange holiday gifts with your significant other? Also, what are some good gift ideas for people who just started dating? I started seeing this guy about two weeks ago, and I don’t want to freak him out with something too expensive, thoughtful or extravagant, but I also don’t want to give him something stupidly cheap. Help!
—Santa Stuff
Dr. Date,
OK, after a few too many drinks last weekend, I hooked up with this guy whom I had met a few times before. It was fun and, admittedly, pretty stupid, but I don’t regret it.
But the thing is, I think I like this guy now. I’ve been thinking about him constantly since we had our one-night stand, even though I’m trying so hard to unattach myself emotionally.
Dr. Date,
My girlfriend insists that we open up our relationship and date other people, as well as each other, but I’m not sure about the idea. Sure, I’ve heard it can be really great for some couples, but it’s just something that’s really hard for me to wrap my brain around.
“Guy 1: “You’re being sassy!”
Guy 2: “No, YOU’RE being sassy!”
Guy 1: “Dude, you put the SASS in sassy!”
—Unknown
 
Professor: “We were invaded by Alaska. Never quote me on anything about history.”
—Tate Lab
 
Tour Guide: “Make sure you wave at the college students; they like the attention.”
—Unknown
 
“I nicked my nipple shaving with a picture.” 
—Middlebrook dining hall
 
Girl: “Oh my gosh!
 
Professor: “Sixty-five degrees and you guys act like oversexed teenagers!”
—STSS
 
Officer: “We’re gonna need more cars.”
—Dinkytown
 
Drunk guy being chased by riot police: “DUDE, I SAID NO TAGBACKS!”
—Unknown
 
“If we win, we riot. If we lose, we riot. If the U cancels Spring Jam over this, we riot.”
—Coffman Union
 
Person 1: “My son is taking medicine to increase his appetite since he’s such a picky eater.”
Person 2: “Oh, really? What is it, medical marijuana?”
—Walter Library
 
TA: “I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I just spent 10 minutes looking at cowboy boots on Etsy!”
—Unknown
 
Guest speaker: “A lot of what I’m saying here may or may not be true.”
 —Ecology class
 
Professor: “If anyone shares the exam questions, I will find you and cut you into pieces.”
—Moos Tower
 
Professor: “Don’t eat your crayons if you want to be a vegetarian.”
—Ruttan Hall
 
“Had like 10 things to post on ‘Overheard’ this semester, but I ain’t no snitch.”
 —Unknown
 
“What’s ‘earl sweatshirt?’”
Professor: “It’s the same with travel manuals and porn. I’d rather do it myself than watch someone else do it.”
—Nicholson Hall
 
Girl to her friend: “Hold on, I have to Instagram my first iced drink of 2014.”
—Starbucks
 
Girl: “Look! It’s soil! SOIL! We can plant things in it!”
 —McNeal Hall
 
Girl: “Guys! My piss was clear!”
—McDonald’s
“You talked a big game all week, and then you didn’t even show up to White Castle!”
—Amundson Hall
 
Guy 1: “Are we gonna make bro tanks for the trip?”
Guy 2: “No.”
Guy 1: “We’re wearing bro tanks on the trip.”
Guy 2: “If you wear a bro shirt, I will set you on fire.”
—Bio-Medical Library
 
Professor: “Nobody walks into a room naked. It’s not as exciting as a strip tease.”
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