Dr. Date,
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of about eight months, but she still seems to pop up wherever I’m at.
I realized shortly after we started seeing each other that she didn’t have that many friends, so she kind of became a constant part of my life pretty quickly.
That was a real blessing at first because we were in love with each other, and she had the time and interest in exploring all the different parts of my life. So we got to spend a whole lot of time with each other.
Dr. Date,

I messed up.

My girlfriend and I work at a local fast food restaurant. That’s how we met, actually. She’s the manager; I’m the assistant manager. … Or at least I was.

Last week, she caught me lifting a couple of twenties from the register and fired me right then and there. I understand why she had to take action, and I’m not angry with her in the least. We’re still together but probably not for long.

If she stays with me, it would put her entire career in restaurant management in jeopardy. See, she’s forgiven me, but
Dear Dr. Date,

Dear Dr. Date,

 

I’ve been dating a good amount, I think. I’ve been at it at least a few times a month, maybe even twice a week if I’m feeling frisky. 

Dr. Date,

 

For a long time now, I’ve been confused about my sexuality. Not so much as to what gender I’m attracted to, but whether or not it exists at all. 
“Guy 1: “You’re being sassy!”
Guy 2: “No, YOU’RE being sassy!”
Guy 1: “Dude, you put the SASS in sassy!”
—Unknown
 
Professor: “We were invaded by Alaska. Never quote me on anything about history.”
—Tate Lab
 
Tour Guide: “Make sure you wave at the college students; they like the attention.”
—Unknown
 
“I nicked my nipple shaving with a picture.” 
—Middlebrook dining hall
 
Girl: “Oh my gosh!
 
Professor: “Sixty-five degrees and you guys act like oversexed teenagers!”
—STSS
 
Officer: “We’re gonna need more cars.”
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Drunk guy being chased by riot police: “DUDE, I SAID NO TAGBACKS!”
—Unknown
 
“If we win, we riot. If we lose, we riot. If the U cancels Spring Jam over this, we riot.”
—Coffman Union
 
Person 1: “My son is taking medicine to increase his appetite since he’s such a picky eater.”
Person 2: “Oh, really? What is it, medical marijuana?”
—Walter Library
 
TA: “I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I just spent 10 minutes looking at cowboy boots on Etsy!”
—Unknown
 
Guest speaker: “A lot of what I’m saying here may or may not be true.”
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Professor: “If anyone shares the exam questions, I will find you and cut you into pieces.”
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Professor: “Don’t eat your crayons if you want to be a vegetarian.”
—Ruttan Hall
 
“Had like 10 things to post on ‘Overheard’ this semester, but I ain’t no snitch.”
 —Unknown
 
“What’s ‘earl sweatshirt?’”
Professor: “It’s the same with travel manuals and porn. I’d rather do it myself than watch someone else do it.”
—Nicholson Hall
 
Girl to her friend: “Hold on, I have to Instagram my first iced drink of 2014.”
—Starbucks
 
Girl: “Look! It’s soil! SOIL! We can plant things in it!”
 —McNeal Hall
 
Girl: “Guys! My piss was clear!”
—McDonald’s
“You talked a big game all week, and then you didn’t even show up to White Castle!”
—Amundson Hall
 
Guy 1: “Are we gonna make bro tanks for the trip?”
Guy 2: “No.”
Guy 1: “We’re wearing bro tanks on the trip.”
Guy 2: “If you wear a bro shirt, I will set you on fire.”
—Bio-Medical Library
 
Professor: “Nobody walks into a room naked. It’s not as exciting as a strip tease.”
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