Dr. Date,
I accidentally ended up having sex with my friend’s ex-boyfriend (oops). Now I’m stuck in this place where I don’t know if I should tell her or not. She’s going to flip the frick out if I tell her, and it could potentially end our relationship.
But then again, I’d hate for her to find out from a third-party source. I really don’t want to lose her as a friend. Should I just forget about it, and hope she doesn’t find out?
Dr. Date,
I’ve gained some weight since starting college, and my confidence is at an all-time low. Yes, I fell victim to the classic freshman 15 (and then some), and now I’m on a workout and clean-diet plan. But I haven’t seen any results, and I’m getting really frustrated.
Dr. Date,
My friend is in a toxic relationship, and I don’t know how to help her. Her boyfriend makes her feel so bad; he verbally assaults her and brings her down all of the time. It’s really hard for me to watch. I’m always there for her when she needs to cry or talk about it, but I’m noticing that she isn’t making any changes to make it stop.
Dr. Date,
I squirted everywhere while I was having sex with this super hot guy, and I’m so embarrassed. We have class together, and it’s been so awkward ever since the hookup. The sex was so messed up (kind of in a good way, but also in a “wtf” kind of way), and I’m not sure how to recover from it.
Should I bring it up? Both of us have been acting like it didn’t happen, but I almost feel like that is making matters worse.
Dr. Date,
OK, here’s my dilemma: My best friend is like a 10, and I’m about a 5.5 (at best). She’s beautiful, charismatic and smart — the total package. So whenever we go out together, guys flock to her, and I’m completely ignored.
She always ends up going home with someone, and the roster of guys lining up to be with her is never-ending. She’s very modest, and whenever I bring it up to her, she brushes it off.
Dr. Date,
I’m honestly at a loss for words for how I feel. You see, I’m infatuated with a friend of mine, and I don’t know if she has the same emotions.
Dr. Date,
I have a fetish, but I’m not sure how to confront my girlfriend about it without coming across like a lunatic. I like death — all things morbid. I sometimes fantasize about having sex with a dead body when we’re getting it on, and thoughts of blood and zombies turn me on.
How do I ask my girlfriend to try some new things — like dressing up and role playing — without freaking her out?
“Guy 1: “You’re being sassy!”
Guy 2: “No, YOU’RE being sassy!”
Guy 1: “Dude, you put the SASS in sassy!”
Professor: “We were invaded by Alaska. Never quote me on anything about history.”
—Tate Lab
Tour Guide: “Make sure you wave at the college students; they like the attention.”
“I nicked my nipple shaving with a picture.” 
—Middlebrook dining hall
Girl: “Oh my gosh!
Professor: “Sixty-five degrees and you guys act like oversexed teenagers!”
Officer: “We’re gonna need more cars.”
Drunk guy being chased by riot police: “DUDE, I SAID NO TAGBACKS!”
“If we win, we riot. If we lose, we riot. If the U cancels Spring Jam over this, we riot.”
—Coffman Union
Person 1: “My son is taking medicine to increase his appetite since he’s such a picky eater.”
Person 2: “Oh, really? What is it, medical marijuana?”
—Walter Library
TA: “I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I just spent 10 minutes looking at cowboy boots on Etsy!”
Guest speaker: “A lot of what I’m saying here may or may not be true.”
 —Ecology class
Professor: “If anyone shares the exam questions, I will find you and cut you into pieces.”
—Moos Tower
Professor: “Don’t eat your crayons if you want to be a vegetarian.”
—Ruttan Hall
“Had like 10 things to post on ‘Overheard’ this semester, but I ain’t no snitch.”
“What’s ‘earl sweatshirt?’”
Professor: “It’s the same with travel manuals and porn. I’d rather do it myself than watch someone else do it.”
—Nicholson Hall
Girl to her friend: “Hold on, I have to Instagram my first iced drink of 2014.”
Girl: “Look! It’s soil! SOIL! We can plant things in it!”
 —McNeal Hall
Girl: “Guys! My piss was clear!”
“You talked a big game all week, and then you didn’t even show up to White Castle!”
—Amundson Hall
Guy 1: “Are we gonna make bro tanks for the trip?”
Guy 2: “No.”
Guy 1: “We’re wearing bro tanks on the trip.”
Guy 2: “If you wear a bro shirt, I will set you on fire.”
—Bio-Medical Library
Professor: “Nobody walks into a room naked. It’s not as exciting as a strip tease.”
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