Dr. Date,
My fiancé just called it quits, and I don’t know what to do with myself. We had been dating for seven years, and one random day he said he “had a pit in his stomach” about our relationship and our love was too “platonic.”
I thought things were going fine. I’m devastated.
—Lost and Confused
 
Dr. Date,
I need your advice on this topic: I’m a guy whose size is sometimes intimidating. I’m 6 feet 7 inches tall and almost 300 pounds. My friends call me “the Human Growth Hormone.” I like working out and I’m proud of my physique, but it’s sometimes hard to find a girl who doesn’t get scared by it. Even when I hit on girls around the gym, who are also tall and muscular, I get denied. What am I doing wrong?
Dr. Date,
I’m a gay guy, but I’m just really curious about what sex with a girl would be like. My girlfriends and I joke around all the time, like making out and groping, but I think it might be really fun to go all the way. And it’s not cheating if I’m just having straight sex for fun, right? I have a boyfriend right now.
—Curious George
 
Dr. Date,
Help! I’ve been hanging out with this chick lately, and she’s really great — funny, down-to-earth, sexy and smart. She’s the total package. But I can’t get over one thing: She chain-smokes cigarettes, and when we make out, I feel like I’m kissing an ashtray.
Dr. Date,
I’ve been out on a couple of dates with this girl I met from the club, and we seemed pretty cool on the first few dates.
But after a while, she always seemed to be “busy” whenever I tried to make plans, and she turned down a couple of advances toward physical interaction.
Dr. Date,
My girlfriend is living with her parents for the summer, and last weekend, when we were hanging at her suburban home, something bad happened.
Naturally, we started hooking up on her bed. Things were getting pretty hot — clothes off, intense making out, almost sex — when her intensely religious, super-awkward dad walked into the bedroom. I wanted to die.
Dr. Date,
I’ve been seeing this great girl for a few weeks now, and we just had sex for the very first time last night. Overall, it was good — except for one thing:
Right in the middle of it, she made me pee all over her.
“Guy 1: “You’re being sassy!”
Guy 2: “No, YOU’RE being sassy!”
Guy 1: “Dude, you put the SASS in sassy!”
—Unknown
 
Professor: “We were invaded by Alaska. Never quote me on anything about history.”
—Tate Lab
 
Tour Guide: “Make sure you wave at the college students; they like the attention.”
—Unknown
 
“I nicked my nipple shaving with a picture.” 
—Middlebrook dining hall
 
Girl: “Oh my gosh!
 
Professor: “Sixty-five degrees and you guys act like oversexed teenagers!”
—STSS
 
Officer: “We’re gonna need more cars.”
—Dinkytown
 
Drunk guy being chased by riot police: “DUDE, I SAID NO TAGBACKS!”
—Unknown
 
“If we win, we riot. If we lose, we riot. If the U cancels Spring Jam over this, we riot.”
—Coffman Union
 
Person 1: “My son is taking medicine to increase his appetite since he’s such a picky eater.”
Person 2: “Oh, really? What is it, medical marijuana?”
—Walter Library
 
TA: “I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I just spent 10 minutes looking at cowboy boots on Etsy!”
—Unknown
 
Guest speaker: “A lot of what I’m saying here may or may not be true.”
 —Ecology class
 
Professor: “If anyone shares the exam questions, I will find you and cut you into pieces.”
—Moos Tower
 
Professor: “Don’t eat your crayons if you want to be a vegetarian.”
—Ruttan Hall
 
“Had like 10 things to post on ‘Overheard’ this semester, but I ain’t no snitch.”
 —Unknown
 
“What’s ‘earl sweatshirt?’”
Professor: “It’s the same with travel manuals and porn. I’d rather do it myself than watch someone else do it.”
—Nicholson Hall
 
Girl to her friend: “Hold on, I have to Instagram my first iced drink of 2014.”
—Starbucks
 
Girl: “Look! It’s soil! SOIL! We can plant things in it!”
 —McNeal Hall
 
Girl: “Guys! My piss was clear!”
—McDonald’s
“You talked a big game all week, and then you didn’t even show up to White Castle!”
—Amundson Hall
 
Guy 1: “Are we gonna make bro tanks for the trip?”
Guy 2: “No.”
Guy 1: “We’re wearing bro tanks on the trip.”
Guy 2: “If you wear a bro shirt, I will set you on fire.”
—Bio-Medical Library
 
Professor: “Nobody walks into a room naked. It’s not as exciting as a strip tease.”
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