Dr. Date,
My boyfriend wants to try anal sex, but I don’t know how I feel about it. I’m nervous, quite honestly.
Tips? Tricks? Suggestions? I’ve really only heard horror stories.
Dr. Date,
I’ve been hanging out with this guy for a few weeks now, and it’s been really good. We have a good connection (we’re both really easy going and down-to-earth), and it’s progressed to the point where we’re ready to deem the relationship “official.”
But I’m having second thoughts.
Dr. Date,
Hey, I have a crush on my roommate, and I don’t know how to handle the situation. I knew I liked him before I signed our lease, and I thought that our time together would bring him around to the same feelings.
But he hasn’t shown any interest at all. In fact, since we moved in, we hang/talk less because we’re on completely different schedules. We were never really close friends before, but it seems like we’re strictly roommates now.
Dr. Date,
This isn’t a sappy, blah-blah-blah emotional question; it’s simple. Long story short, my ex-girlfriend and I got a cat together and now we’re broken up. The cat sucks. What the [expletive] do I do with this [expletive] cat?
—Pussy Problems
You Cat to be Kitten Me,
Man, get rid of it.
Dr. Date,
I want to start a relationship, but, honestly, I don’t have the slightest clue how. My flirting skills are nonexistent, and I don’t know how to show someone I’m interested. My biggest fear is rejection, and I don’t have any confidence in my attractiveness. I’m very average looking.
Dr. Date,
It hurt when my girlfriend told me, “I don’t have feelings for you like I used to,” but I learned to appreciate her honesty. It’s been three months since our breakup, and she’s currently dating a new guy who seems to be making her extremely happy.
Dr. Date,
I moved in with my best friend last fall, and it’s been great. We share a nice place, and because we have similar interests and priorities, there haven’t been any roommate problems. We get along well and our quality of life is through the roof.
“Guy 1: “You’re being sassy!”
Guy 2: “No, YOU’RE being sassy!”
Guy 1: “Dude, you put the SASS in sassy!”
Professor: “We were invaded by Alaska. Never quote me on anything about history.”
—Tate Lab
Tour Guide: “Make sure you wave at the college students; they like the attention.”
“I nicked my nipple shaving with a picture.” 
—Middlebrook dining hall
Girl: “Oh my gosh!
Professor: “Sixty-five degrees and you guys act like oversexed teenagers!”
Officer: “We’re gonna need more cars.”
Drunk guy being chased by riot police: “DUDE, I SAID NO TAGBACKS!”
“If we win, we riot. If we lose, we riot. If the U cancels Spring Jam over this, we riot.”
—Coffman Union
Person 1: “My son is taking medicine to increase his appetite since he’s such a picky eater.”
Person 2: “Oh, really? What is it, medical marijuana?”
—Walter Library
TA: “I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I just spent 10 minutes looking at cowboy boots on Etsy!”
Guest speaker: “A lot of what I’m saying here may or may not be true.”
 —Ecology class
Professor: “If anyone shares the exam questions, I will find you and cut you into pieces.”
—Moos Tower
Professor: “Don’t eat your crayons if you want to be a vegetarian.”
—Ruttan Hall
“Had like 10 things to post on ‘Overheard’ this semester, but I ain’t no snitch.”
“What’s ‘earl sweatshirt?’”
Professor: “It’s the same with travel manuals and porn. I’d rather do it myself than watch someone else do it.”
—Nicholson Hall
Girl to her friend: “Hold on, I have to Instagram my first iced drink of 2014.”
Girl: “Look! It’s soil! SOIL! We can plant things in it!”
 —McNeal Hall
Girl: “Guys! My piss was clear!”
“You talked a big game all week, and then you didn’t even show up to White Castle!”
—Amundson Hall
Guy 1: “Are we gonna make bro tanks for the trip?”
Guy 2: “No.”
Guy 1: “We’re wearing bro tanks on the trip.”
Guy 2: “If you wear a bro shirt, I will set you on fire.”
—Bio-Medical Library
Professor: “Nobody walks into a room naked. It’s not as exciting as a strip tease.”
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