Dr. Date,
I sort of can’t believe I’m doing this, but I have to admit that I don’t really have many friends who have much experience with relationships and I need to talk to someone. (Well, maybe not talk in this case, but you know what I mean.)
Dr. Date,
My boyfriend and I have been going steady for almost three months now, but I’ve kept a not-so-normal secret from him. It has to do with his parts downstairs. No, I mean way down there.
I have an uncontrollable foot fetish and an irresistible urge to rip of those size 11s and get down to business.
Dr. Date,
How do I tell someone I’m not interested without ruining a friendship or hurting his feelings? This guy keeps asking me out, and I always make up excuses to avoid going on a date with him. We’ve hung out in group settings before, and I’m strictly just not into him. He’s a nice guy — just not my type.
Dr. Date,
I think one of my really good friends is starting to have a crush on me. It’s weird. I’ve never thought of her as more than a friend — she’s like a sister to me.
I mean, all of the factors that would make us great together are there: we make each other laugh, we know everything about each other and we spend a lot of time together.
Dr. Date,
Last Friday I stumbled my way into the bathroom at a show, and with my vision spinning, I relieved myself. Then, the bathroom door suddenly opened — my pants were still down — and a chick I have been eyeing for a while walked in.
She sarcastically commented on my junk and then told me to hurry up. We exchanged a few more drunken words and then, before I could realize what was going on, we were making out.
Dr. Date,
My girlfriend is becoming a female bodybuilder, but her newly built physique is a huge turnoff for me. I feel like I’m with a bro, ya know? I want to tell her, but I feel like an asshole because I also lift at the gym. How do I express how I feel without sounding like a sexist douchebag?
—Too Toned
 
Macho Macho (Wo)man,
Dr. Date,
I think one of my really good friends is starting to have a crush on me. It’s weird. I’ve never thought of her as more than a friend — she’s like a sister to me.
I mean, all of the factors that would make us great together are there: We make each other laugh, we know everything about each other and we spend a lot of time together.
“Guy 1: “You’re being sassy!”
Guy 2: “No, YOU’RE being sassy!”
Guy 1: “Dude, you put the SASS in sassy!”
—Unknown
 
Professor: “We were invaded by Alaska. Never quote me on anything about history.”
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Tour Guide: “Make sure you wave at the college students; they like the attention.”
—Unknown
 
“I nicked my nipple shaving with a picture.” 
—Middlebrook dining hall
 
Girl: “Oh my gosh!
 
Professor: “Sixty-five degrees and you guys act like oversexed teenagers!”
—STSS
 
Officer: “We’re gonna need more cars.”
—Dinkytown
 
Drunk guy being chased by riot police: “DUDE, I SAID NO TAGBACKS!”
—Unknown
 
“If we win, we riot. If we lose, we riot. If the U cancels Spring Jam over this, we riot.”
—Coffman Union
 
Person 1: “My son is taking medicine to increase his appetite since he’s such a picky eater.”
Person 2: “Oh, really? What is it, medical marijuana?”
—Walter Library
 
TA: “I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I just spent 10 minutes looking at cowboy boots on Etsy!”
—Unknown
 
Guest speaker: “A lot of what I’m saying here may or may not be true.”
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Professor: “If anyone shares the exam questions, I will find you and cut you into pieces.”
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Professor: “Don’t eat your crayons if you want to be a vegetarian.”
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 —Unknown
 
“What’s ‘earl sweatshirt?’”
Professor: “It’s the same with travel manuals and porn. I’d rather do it myself than watch someone else do it.”
—Nicholson Hall
 
Girl to her friend: “Hold on, I have to Instagram my first iced drink of 2014.”
—Starbucks
 
Girl: “Look! It’s soil! SOIL! We can plant things in it!”
 —McNeal Hall
 
Girl: “Guys! My piss was clear!”
—McDonald’s
“You talked a big game all week, and then you didn’t even show up to White Castle!”
—Amundson Hall
 
Guy 1: “Are we gonna make bro tanks for the trip?”
Guy 2: “No.”
Guy 1: “We’re wearing bro tanks on the trip.”
Guy 2: “If you wear a bro shirt, I will set you on fire.”
—Bio-Medical Library
 
Professor: “Nobody walks into a room naked. It’s not as exciting as a strip tease.”
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