Dr. Date,
I’ve been with my partner for approximately three years. We live together and (finally!) got married. However, there is one looming topic that has always proved troublesome in our relationship: He’s a staunch Republican, and I am most definitely not. I love him dearly, but occasionally — OK, frequently — his union-busting, fiscal conservatism takes me aback.
Dr. Date,
My boyfriend has a really stressful job/class schedule this year, and he gained about 40 pounds. I feel bad for saying this, but it’s really, really bothering me. I don’t find it attractive, and honestly, I think his stress is just an excuse. I exercise every day and eat healthy, and I don’t think it would be that hard for him to do the same.
How can I motivate him to lose some weight and get back to being the guy I started dating?
Dr. Date,
There’s this girl I’ve known since freshman year (we’re seniors now). There’s always been some chemistry between us, but nothing ever happened because we both always had a significant other. I have a girlfriend now, but she is single.
Dr. Date,
My boyfriend writes about music for a fairly well-known website. I’m also a writer and really like music, although I write about different things.
Dr. Date,
I’m in love. This girl is perfect — beautiful, smart, funny, sweet. The problem is, she only speaks Spanish and I only speak English. I’m not imagining this connection (we’ve already slept together), but I’m a little worried about the language barrier. Is it something we can overcome? Love conquers all, right?
—Lost In Translation
Professor: “Sixty-five degrees and you guys act like oversexed teenagers!”
Officer: “We’re gonna need more cars.”
Drunk guy being chased by riot police: “DUDE, I SAID NO TAGBACKS!”
“If we win, we riot. If we lose, we riot. If the U cancels Spring Jam over this, we riot.”
—Coffman Union
Person 1: “My son is taking medicine to increase his appetite since he’s such a picky eater.”
Person 2: “Oh, really? What is it, medical marijuana?”
—Walter Library
TA: “I was supposed to be studying, but instead, I just spent 10 minutes looking at cowboy boots on Etsy!”
Guest speaker: “A lot of what I’m saying here may or may not be true.”
 —Ecology class
Professor: “If anyone shares the exam questions, I will find you and cut you into pieces.”
—Moos Tower
Professor: “Don’t eat your crayons if you want to be a vegetarian.”
—Ruttan Hall
“Had like 10 things to post on ‘Overheard’ this semester, but I ain’t no snitch.”
“What’s ‘earl sweatshirt?’”
Professor: “It’s the same with travel manuals and porn. I’d rather do it myself than watch someone else do it.”
—Nicholson Hall
Girl to her friend: “Hold on, I have to Instagram my first iced drink of 2014.”
Girl: “Look! It’s soil! SOIL! We can plant things in it!”
 —McNeal Hall
Girl: “Guys! My piss was clear!”
“You talked a big game all week, and then you didn’t even show up to White Castle!”
—Amundson Hall
Guy 1: “Are we gonna make bro tanks for the trip?”
Guy 2: “No.”
Guy 1: “We’re wearing bro tanks on the trip.”
Guy 2: “If you wear a bro shirt, I will set you on fire.”
—Bio-Medical Library
Professor: “Nobody walks into a room naked. It’s not as exciting as a strip tease.”
Professor: “Do you know what your spirit animal is?”
Student: “Blastoise.”
—Mechanical Engineering
Professor: “It has been shown that older people that drink alcohol live longer. So I have purposefully started drinking more.”
—Molecular and Cellular Biology
“You should just email your essay in to the professor and be like, ‘My TA sucks, and they should be punched in the face ... like punched really hard.’”
Guy: “My professor is so old!”
Girl: “How old is she?”
Guy: “I don’t know, like 45?”
Professor: “She doesn’t have school today because it’s some old dead president’s birthday holiday thing.”
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