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NETWORK
Net: Faster than a speeding Campus Circulator, more powerful than a Chipotle and Schlitz fart, able to leap small children in a single bound. It's Network! HOORAY!
BREAST FRIENDS
From WanderingEyes: In the spirit of OLD NODDER and THAT GUY, I would like to mention a phenomenon that has occurred every one of my classes this semester: LARGE-BREASTED CHICK. Net: Wow, we only seem to have LARGE-BREASTED MAN in our classes As my eyes wander about the classroom, I always seem to find one Net: Only one? That's funny, they typically travel in pairs -- my favorite being the owner of the massive melons I view in ACCT 3001. Her breasts serve as a welcome distraction from the incoherent babbling of my foreign professor. I have but a few requests for all of you LARGE-BREASTED CHICKS out there: Net: You know who you are 1. Feel free to wear scandalous shirts -- cleavage is everyone's friend. Net: Not to mention a useful place to store things, when combined with a bra. It's like wearing a pair of cargo pants on your chest 2. Please do not slouch -- the tables in the room obstruct our viewing. If this is painful for you, feel free to lean forward and rest them on the desk. Net: Or on the person in front of you 3. As long as your left hand does not assist your note-taking and crossword-working, please place your left arm out of our line of sight to your massive rack. Net: Better yet, use it to cup and fondle yourself In closing, I would like to query all of the fine Network-reading students on campus -- Is the LARGE-BREASTED CHICK phenomenon limited to CSM classes or does it occur on a regular basis?
TOPICSTHATSUCK
From Sixx: Ahoy ahoy! So Net, the other day I was reading Network while sitting on my favorite chair, the toilet, and had a thought. Net: DEAR GOD! We're sorry Whatever happened to the old discussions of OLD NODDER and THAT GUY Net: Well, after we stopped going to class after the first week, we stopped noticing interesting University specimens and the best place to look for the poontang? Those entries were good for nothing but pure comedy gold! Nowadays people are writing in about the basketball team Net: Which, contrary to popular belief, now appears to play basketball well and the freakin' weather for chrissakes! "Cold enough for ya?" Net: No It sure is dicknose, we are in Minnesota in the middle of NUTing winter!! What's next, entries about how much Dr. Date is missed? Net: Unsurprisingly, we have received no entries stating this opinion So, I am going to propose two new areas for entries. Topic ##1: Let's get a little old-fashioned here, If you had three wishes what would they be? Net: 1. Wish for unlimited wishes Topic ##2: Who would you rather kick the crap out of, 'N Stink or the Backdoor Boys? Net: Creed Here I'll start. Three wishes: Wake up married to Anna Kournakova, Net: If we had a nickel each time that happened to us have a solid gold toilet with a holder to store my copies of Network, and finally a lifetime supply of Chipotle burritos. And, I would rather kick the crap out ot 'N Sync. There, hopefully that can get the ball rolling and make some interesting discussions. Net: Doubtfully Thank you for your time.
ELMER LOVIN'
From Clark Kent: Hallowed Network, In the past year, a great structure has risen on the West Bank Net: That crazy pyramid thing by the Art Building? in the form of one Elmer L. Anderson Library. At first, I thought to myself, what the hell do we need with another library? Net: Books are obsolete; we need a Network Library What good could this facility possibly serve? Net: Provide extra space to clean to keep the janitors occupied? I rendered this new place useless, that is, until today. My girl and I had some time to kill, and quite frankly, we felt the need to get a little freaky, but we were on campus. Net: PDA! I thought for a while, and we decided to venture through the halls of Anderson Library and noticed that there were maybe four people in the whole building. We proceeded to the 2nd floor women's bathroom and found a nice cozy place to have a little fun. (3rd stall, on the seat) Net: We prefer the 2nd stall So I say to you, fellow Networkians, in the name of mankind, I am proud to have broken in this building for all of us. Unless somebody beat me to it. If so, let's hear about it. And dammit, the only reason Dr. Date is gone is cause there wasn't enough sex talk. Net: The same reason they cancelled Cop Rock Let's not let the same happen to the Net. That is my call out to all of Networkia -- SEX, SEX, SEX.
OLD BALLS
From DeniedThricePlusOnce: As the light at the end of my graduation tunnel seems to be getting brighter and brighter, Net: Unlike yourself it doesn't surprise me that this grandiose University would, instead of allowing me to graduate in a humbling five years, Net: Ooooh! Five years! Are we proud of ourselves Mr. Einstein? decide to keep me for yet another blessed term. My contempt is with the lame deal that any sixty-year-old-self-bettering-non-degree-seeking student Net: Generally with a penchant for nodding can waltz Net: Waltz? They hack onto our glorious registration system and enroll in any class they so wonderfully please while leaving us efficient-twenty-two-year-old-degree-seeking students-with-horrible-queue-dates to try to explain to our loved ones why there will yet again not be reason to celebrate graduation when previously anticipated. I guess the values this fine establishment of learning would rather we possess are: Screw around for forty years, don't bother learning a thing in those decades, and then, and only when you've made up your mind that you are TRULY ready, go back to school and screw over the generation that is paying your Social Security. Fantastic ... now where did I put my Spring Class Schedule? Net: That crazy old guy took it
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