Overheard

“Do you know how many STDs are in this room right now? Like 12.”
—McDonald’s

Guy 1: “No man, you got to use like two full eggplants.”
Guy 2: “I did!”
—Carlson School of Management

Professor: “You need to take your studies seriously. If you’re going to have fun, do it safely. If you have fun on your bike, wear a helmet. If you go out to parties, don’t drink too much and make sure you only mix the right kind of drugs.”
—Cellular Biology class

Girl 1: “I hate the poultry barn.”
Girl 2: “Well, did you at least go to the birthing center?”
Girl 1: “Real Babies?”

Student 1: “Don’t you know that you get all A’s if you get hit by the Connector?”
Student 2: “No, stupid, they pay for your classes if you get hit by a Connector. You get all A’s if your roommate dies.”
—Campus Connector

“I hate women that tell me what to do! I’ll have you know that I’ll never work for a woman.”
—Carlson School of Management

Girl 1: [points at sweatshirt] “What’s Okoboji?”
Girl 2: “A big lake in Iowa. It’s about the only thing Iowa has to offer.”
Girl 1: “No, that’s not true. Chicago is in Iowa.”
—Molecular and Cellular Biology elevator

Cheer squad coach: “OK everyone, at the end of the song, Goldy will stand up and give us all the clap …”

—Pride and Spirit 2011

“This campus would look great without all the [expletive] students.”

—Coffman Union

“I’m like a sponge, just soaking up information, but the bad thing is you can’t touch me without getting wet.”

—Tate Laboratory

Student: “Yeah I like to cook.”

Professor: “What do you cook?”

Student: “Curry, tea, Pillsbury crescent rolls …”

—Appleby Hall

Professor: “How old is the Earth? Like, 3.1 trillion years?”

Student: “3.1 billion.”

Professor: “Sorry. I got it confused with the national debt.”

—English class

Guy 1: “So, what you’re trying to say is that you were out of condoms, so you used a plastic bag?”

Guy 2: “Yeah! Better safe than sorry!”

“She ‘dementored’ the room — she sucked the soul right out of it.”

—Seven Corners

Guy 1: “Will you do it if I get it tonight?”

Guy 2: “Yes ... I’ll do anything … heroin! Horse crap! Skittles!”

—Dinkytown

“I wish I had a belly button on my foot so I could draw something around it.”

Girl 1: “Oh, you look great!”
Girl 2: “Thanks.”
Girl 1: “You look just like a muppet.”
Girl 2: “But muppets are fat …”
—Coffman Union

“How do humans achieve monogamy? Smell a baby.”
—Biology and evolution of sex lecture

Guy: “Just get back from the bookstore?”
Girl: “Yeah.”
Guy: “Yeah, I’m not allowed back there for a year.”
—Centennial Hall

Guy 1: “What are you going to do with your oranges?”
Guy 2: “Eat them.”
Guy 1: “Oh.”
—Middlebrook Hall

Girl 1: “Is this the express bus or the regular?”

“I smell so excited right now.”

—Fraiser Hall

“I’m turning this royal wedding into a drinking game. Every time they say ‘Queen,’ I’m going to take a chug.”

—Middlebrook Hall

Guy 1: “Yeah, I like Fig Newtons.”

Guy 2: “Have you guys had the strawberry ones?”

Guy 3: “What?”

Girl 1: “What are you wearing shorts and a T-shirt for? It’s only 55 degrees out! What are you going to do when you’re in Arizona?”
Girl 2: “I’ll be a full monty!”
—Buffalo Wild Wings

Guy 1: “So, what you’re trying to say is that you were out of condoms, so you used a plastic bag?”
Guy 2: “Yeah! Better safe than sorry!”
Guy 1: “That’s actually very resourceful. I probably would’ve done the same.”
—Pioneer Hall

Guy 1: “I don’t think she likes me, man.”

Guy 2: “Dude, she’s your girlfriend!”

Guy 1: “That doesn’t mean anything to me!”

—Blegen Hall

Professor: “I don’t care about your experiences. In fact, I don’t really care about any of you.”
—Blegen Hall

“More people wore shirts in the 14th century.”
—Anderson Hall

Professor: “Where are my strippers? The wire ones, not the other kind.”
Student: “There are strippers in the closet?”
—Tate Lab of Physics

“Do you want some of this meat? It will give you diarrhea.”
—Comstock dining hall

“Dude, the Internet is getting so smart.”
—Territorial Hall

Guy 1: “I never knew how much sheep love Fig Newtons.”