Overheard

“Over the past few years, the University of Minnesota has hosted Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Garrison Keillor, state senators, Nobel laureates, Walter Mondale, the Dalai Lama and many more important world leaders. Saint Cloud State is hosting two stars of ‘Teen Mom’ in a couple weeks ... so I guess that shows what their priorities are.”

—Anderson Hall

Guy: “It’s all about embracing your queerness. ... When we get there, I need to tape my balls down.”

—Unknown

Dr. Date,

How can I kindly tell my guy that this woman needs some more (be)foreplay when we’re getting down? He always seems to rush into it, and it doesn’t help a lady like me get to where she needs to be, if you catch my drift. I don’t want to say anything during sex because I don’t want him to all of a sudden feel like he’s doing something wrong, but when we’re not having sex, there never seems to be a right moment to bring it up. How can I?

—No More Rush Hour

Jackie Chan,

Guy: “Dude, I hope Mayo Medical School is better than their pens, ’cause this one sucks.”

—Walter Library

“I hate wearing wigs, they make me feel so claustrophobic.”

—Applebee’s

“Why does this taste like blood?”

—Centennial dining hall

“Yeah, I mean we had so much in common, except she did a crap ton of drugs.”

—15th Avenue

“What kid decides to tape a cheetah to their grandma’s back?”

Girl: “It’s finally getting nice out, that’s why I didn’t mind it in jail.”

 —On the bus

“Humans are hermaphrodites, right? Or are they not?”

—Molecular and Cellular Biology building

Girl: “Can I just get an iced coffee?”

Barista: “Sure.”

Student: “... I don’t work at Panda anymore; I got a library job.”

Worker: “Yeah, I bet they needed to hire more people so they can move all of the Lance Armstrong books over to the fiction section.”

—Blegen Hall Subway

“At the U we’re the few, the proud, the conservatives.”

—Walter Library

“Did I tell you about the turf wars I used to get into as a Girl Scout? It was like the Bloods and the Crips.”

—Outside Coffman Union

Girl 1: “Oh my God, he’s sooo hot!”

Girl 2: “Umm … besides the fact that his head is shaped like it just came out of his mother’s vagina ...”

—Unknown

“The fact that people before the 20th century had sex freaks me out. I mean, George Washington probably got a blow job, and it makes me super uncomfortable.”

Girl talking on phone: “Call her fat, but don’t call her Precious!”

—Unknown

Guy talking about hockey referees: “Sometimes I suck at my job, too. But it’s usually when I’m hungover.”

—Mariucci Arena

Guy: “Wait, Vulcans? Like from ‘Star Trek?’”

Girl: “No Balkans, like the people.”

—Blegen Hall

“Oh shoot, there’s still shrooms in my mug.”

—Sanford Hall

“The only good thing about being bald is that you know as soon as you walk outside that you forgot your hat.”

—Folwell Hall

“Wait, so girls have penises!?”

—Anderson Hall

“Is there such a thing as ‘too cold to snow?’”

 —Outside Anderson Hall

“How did you not know that you’re five months pregnant?”

—Comstock Hall

Guy: “Do you accept FlexDine?”

Girl Scout: “What?”

—Outside Keller Hall

Professor: “You should do drugs before everything, including this class.”

—Lind Hall