Overheard

Girl: “NO! Fight like you did before — with no clothes on!”

—Centennial Hall

“Yeah my eyelashes are so long they’re getting in the way. Maybe I should donate them. I think there’s an organization called Lashes For Love.”

—Moos Tower

“Why do you poop in your hand? That’s not a normal thing to do.”

—Frontier Hall

Instructor: “Experiments are a lot like relationships. They’re all about manipulation and control.”

—Bell Museum auditorium

Guy: “Like after 15 minutes of a girl giving me a blow job, it’s like ... yeah, we could do something else?”

Girl: “Fifteen minutes?!?! That’s like a quarter of an hour!”

—Middlebrook Hall

Professor: “And for those of you who don’t know, out of the little spaceship capsule and Boop! He was gone.”

Student: “YOLO.”

—Astronomy lecture

“Trains don’t go ‘toodly-doo-doo, I’m stopping.’”

—Folwell Hall

Professor: “He was, to use the technical term, coked out of his mind. He was doing some crazy [expletive].”

—Amundson Hall

[Baby starts crying in class]

“Take any food, sprinkle a little meth on it, and it’s instantly more popular.”

—Unknown

“I’m the lowest paid professor in this department. They made the pay scale in inverse order of sexiness, and I’m just too sexy, so I don’t make as much.”

—Keller Hall

“You know if you didn’t get a letter at 11 you’re not going.”

—Comstock Hall

Guy: “No, don’t worry about it. We’ll take care of everything. You just get drunk.”

—Centennial Hall

Guy: “I don’t make awkward hand gestures. I make sexual hand gestures.”

Friends [in unison]: “No. They’re awkward.”

—Campus Connector

Guy: “If I don’t like this Shamrock Shake, I expect $1.99 from you.”

Girl: “Do you accept FlexDine?”

—Dinkytown McDonald’s

Boy: “Hey girl, are those attached or unattached earlobes you got there?”

Girl: “Um, I don’t know, attached?”

Boy: “OK, so you’re homozygous for the recessive allele.”

Girl: “Homo what? No, I’m straight.”

Boy: “Thanks for the help.”

—Science Teaching and Student Services building

Professor: “I got mugged once. It was fine. They were really quite nice muggers.”

—Blegen Hall

Guy [drinking coffee]: “Who drinks coffee? It tastes like tar!”

—Hanson Hall Starbucks

Student 1: “What’s ‘Internet addiction disorder?’”

Student 2: “I don’t know. I think I’ll go look it up!”

—Unknown

“I wish I could hire Donald Trump to have him tell my roommate she’s done living with me. Just have him say, ‘YOU’RE FIRED!’”

—Dinkytown

Guy: “When in doubt, act like a wild animal.”

—Smith Hall

Professor: “Students might assume that I’m loose. I don’t mean that kind of loose. ... I mean that I’m flexible.”

—Bell Museum auditorium

Professor: “How many men do you think want a woman who achieves multiple orgasms?”

Girl: “So is there like good weed and bad weed?”

—Frontier Hall

Girl: “I hate Valentine’s Day! It’s just a commercialized holiday to sell chocolates!”

Guy: “Oh, did you forget to get a boyfriend this year?”

—St. Paul Campus

“How do you say boner in French? A Swiss friend told me, but it must’ve been some kind of Swiss French.”

—Hard Times Café

Girl: “Want to make out?”

“Let us back in, you douche!”

—Outside Comstock Hall during a fire drill

TA: “Just push that button on the upper right.”

Student: “This one?”

TA: “That’s a USB slot.”

—Rarig Center

“I want you to be sexy — a creepy sexy!”

—Barbara Barker Center for Dance

‘I have a penis; it’s purple.’’

—University Village