Backtalk

Peter/Kevin,

I realized this morning that your name isn’t actually Kevin OR Peter, but I hope you know how much I appreciated your support on Friday night.

Hopefully I’ll someday learn your real name (preferably not while lying on top of a traffic cone), and we can talk about something other than trash cans.

—N.

Guy In The Blue Plaid Shirt At Al’s Breakfast At 7 a.m. On Saturday,

Dear Dr. Date,

I’m going to a party hosted by a girl I impregnated last year (nipped it in the bud). My girlfriend is mad and jealous. What should I do?

—Fertile Myrtle

Leggo My Preggo!,

There’s really not enough information here for me to even begin computing the issue. Are you still friends with the girl you got pregnant? Are you friends with your girlfriend? Is the former future baby mama friends with the current future baby mama?

Dr. Date,

Last time I had sex with my boyfriend, he prefaced it with “Let’s make a baby.” What should I do?

—Not Your Baby Mama

But Maybe A Mama,

Dr. Date,

I’m home from the U for the summer after my first year in college, and my girlfriend from high school is suffocating me. I don’t think she’s acting any different than before, but it just seems more constrictive after a year away at school. She reminds me of my parents nagging me when I come home. How can I tell her that I am not the same I was in high school and that she needs to give me more space than she did when we spent every day together?

—New Man

“So, I was texting him again yesterday, and he sent me his first text with an exclamation point. I was so excited that I almost cried.”

—Ford Hall

Professor: “Go take a hit off of a baby’s head. It’ll get you high!”

—Science Teaching and Student Services building

“YOU HAD A SEX COUCH?!”

—Middlebrook dining hall

“You can’t just marry people without them knowing”

Professor: “Go take a hit off of a baby’s head. It’ll get you high!”

—Science Teaching and Student Services building

Guy [walking past preacher]: “Yay, we’re all going to hell again.”

—Northrop Mall

“Do they really expect us to get up by 11:15 EVERY day?”

Dr. Date,

Dr. Date,

My boyfriend can be really obnoxious in public;  at a concert, he’s  the guy yelling dumb things at the stage, and everyone stares at us. I’ve tried to tell him to stop after he does it, and I never laugh, so I don’t know why he keeps doing it. It’s embarrassing, but I think telling him that would really hurt his feelings. What do I do?

—Dating That Guy

Lover Of Cray,

“Hey do you want to see what I can do with my balls?”

 —Comstock Hall

Professor: “As some of you know, I was up until 2:30 a.m. grading. I’m not doing very well right now. I was also drinking beer.”

—Willey Hall

“It’s not naked if you’re covered in glitter!”

—Superblock

Guy 1: “I’ve gained so much weight since coming to this school. I used to be tall and beautiful.”

Dr. Date,