Backtalk

Dear Dr. Date,

I have a serious problem. I’m a good guy and all. I want to date and have fun as much as the next guy on campus, but before I can “seal the deal” I have a bombshell that I have to drop. This winter I got the news from my doctor that I’m HIV-positive. My question is, should I tell a potential boyfriend right away, or is it more of a third- or fourth-date type of conversation? How should I bring it up?

—Positively Clueless

Positive,

“I felt like I was drinking more than I was breathing.”

—Dinkytown

Professor: “Nobody ever wants to try to make an AI act like a real person ... because there are more fun ways to make people.”

—Keller Hall

“They’re all different shades of white!”

—Centennial Hall lobby

“Well, it’s either keep sitting and sleeping here in my hallway or I could come get my keys from your place. ... I kinda like where I’m at right now.”

Dr. Date,

Last night I asked my boyfriend to be FBO with me. He actually said no because he “doesn’t want everyone to know about” his personal life. We’ve been together almost six months! Why does he want to keep me a secret? His friends all know about me and like me!

—FB(u)O

(Dis)like,

I know this seems like the end of the world, but it’s really not.

Professor: “Cream filling is not so soft.”

—Carlson School

“If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around, does Kaplan still cover it with spam?”

—Moos Tower

Professor: “If you dropped a baby in the woods, would it survive? That would be murder.”

Dr. Date,

I accidentally sent a rather racy text that was meant for my boyfriend to one of my close guy friends (they have the same name). That in itself wouldn’t be a big deal, seeing as I played it cool, but this friend has a crush on me, and now I’m worried he thinks I’m trying to put the moves on him. How can I explain the text was not intended for him without looking like a jerk?

—No Shame Sexter

Unintentional Sexter,

Professor: “What’s the biggest poison that affects all of humanity?”

Student: “Time?”

Professor: “No, testosterone!”

 —Unknown

“Wisconsin is in Illinois, right?”

—On the 16 bus

Guy: “Oh my good golly gosh, how scrum-diddly-umptious!”

—Middlebrook dining hall

“Damn, this is cold rain! Either Mother Nature is just a [expletive], or the dementors are breeding.”

Dr. Date,

Dr. Date,

Dr. Date,

I actually did it — I boned my TA. We have a great thing going, and it has really spiced up an otherwise boring lit class this semester. Problem is, I can’t tell what’s going to happen when the class is over. Will the bonin’ end when the teachin’ does? Will it be as exciting when we aren’t living out the teacher-student fantasy? I can’t get a read on him but want to know what to expect after finals are over. How can I figure that out without jeopardizing the steamy sex (and steamy looks during class)?

“Why does everyone want to lick me?”

—Middlebrook Hall

Girl 1: Do you remember kissing him?

Girl 2: No ... until now.

—Centennial dining hall

Computer science professor: “If you want to diddle with the private parts, you have to have a friend.”

—Keller Hall

Guy: “Dude, I’ve been wearing the same pair of boxers for five days.”

—Coffman Union

Teacher: “Is anyone in here a marketing major?”