Backtalk

Girl: “I’m not even a devout Muslim. I just wear a burqa to get annoying guys to stop hitting on me.”

—Northrop Mall

Student: “Professor, a sow is having difficulty farrowing on the St. Paul campus, and I’m the only one whose arm is small enough to get in there and help!”

Professor: “Fine, just go, go!”

—Unknown

“I just had sex with two people. Mind blown! I only knew one of them ...”

—Centennial Hall

Girl: “I hate that I have a mustache.”

—Middlebrook Hall

Guy: “I don’t mean to make this weird, but your ball just popped out ...”

—Unknown

“I would not advise traveling by camel.”

—Dinkytown

Girl: “For the record, I’ve never done anything with your older brother.”

Dear Dr. Date,

My girlfriend is very close with one of her guy friends. I try to ignore it, but it bothers me. How can I bring it up to her without getting into a fight?

—Left Out

Nosey Nellie,

Don’t bring it up. Just add “chilling out and trusting your girlfriend” to your own personal list of things that you need to work on.

You’re the one she’s holding hands with; you’re the one she gets nasty with. Trust her, and don’t make her feel weird for having a close friend.

—Dr. Date

Professor: “Make sure you stick it in the lower slot. If you put it in the upper slot, you’ll lose it …”

—Unknown

Professor: “I have a strong aversion to the smell of 7-Up and Seagrams 7 … and I wasn’t born with that. I learned it back when I was a freshman. Keep it away from me.”

—Unknown

“I’m nuttier than squirrel poo!”

—Bailey Hall

Dear Dr. Date,

So for spring break this year, my boyfriend and I are going on a short trip. We have been dating a couple months but haven’t done any sort of traveling together. I’m nervous — he has stayed over at my apartment many nights since we started dating, but we’ve never spent three straight days together. I’m worried we’ll get sick of each other, get bored, I’ll have to poop around him — all things we haven’t dealt with yet. Any tips?

—Roadtrip Romantic

Dear Dr. Date,

I recently found out I have an STD. It’s nothing serious, but the problem is I don’t know who gave it to me. I have had a few sexual partners since I was last tested, and they’re spread out over a couple years. What is the protocol for telling them? I don’t want to come off as blaming them (although one of them is to blame) for giving it to me, rather I want to be polite and tell them that they might be at risk/should tell their other partners. How do I go about doing that, especially for the guys I haven’t talked to in a couple years?

“There needs to be a ‘[expletive] please’ emoticon.”

—Yudof Hall

“Today class was about how to be a corporate stooge.”

—Blegen Hall

Guy: “I heard gay porn is like the minor leagues for regular porn.”

—Unknown

Professor: “I treated this girl with agoraphobia by making her eat crackers off of a toilet seat.”

—Science Teaching and Student Services building

Dear Dr. Date,

My roommate/friend and I are gay and have a platonic friendship between us. Over the course of nearly two years of knowing him, he’s been “dating” the same guy. I say dating in quotes because my roommate isn’t exactly honest with his man. So far he’s hung out and hooked up with his ex a few times (he says his ex is his best friend, and I see them texting almost every day), brought over a few other guys, trolled around on dating sites (his profile says he is “looking for whatever”) and generally is not honest.