Network

NUTT YOU, MOTHER NUTTERS.

I’m gone.

-Net

Net: As we write this, The Minnesota Daily Nazi stormtroopers are surrounding our location. Those goddamn fascists, those cock-sucking commies, those liberal media elite. Their glistening harpoons of downsizing clutched in their greedy liberal mittens. We know what they really want, they’re after our SECRET OIL juice excreted from the underside of our tentacles that can cure cancer and blindness and will get you higher than huffing coke smoke out of a bottle. Those motherFUTTing junkies.

From Benjamin Franklin
Death is a fisherman, the world we see. Net: Invent the lightning rod and you think you can write NUTTing stupid poems like a pro. His fish pond is, and we the fishes be. His net some general sickness; Net: That’s right! You get what I’m saying, man. howe'er he is not so kind as other fishers be; for if they take one of the smaller fry they throw him in again, he shall not die. But death is sure to kill all he can get, and all fish with him that comes to net.

Dear Network,
As you often don’t come into the office during normal business hours, I felt a letter would be the best way to inform you that this will be your last week at The Minnesota Daily. Net: What the NUTT is going on? There are a number of reasons I have come to this decision, including:

From: Beowulf

Net: Dr. Date wishes he were a woman. Did you know?

From: Beowulf

Hi Net, Do you think the phrase “both the three of us” sounds kinky? I need to know. Net: Come on, to us, one more time and we will spear you like an elk tracked by Jared Allen.

From: Observant

Welcome back to school toadies. Did you use that pumpkin-pie trick we talked about over break? Did you do something brave on Thanksgiving like come out to your parents or better yet, out your little brother? That’s our good little citizens of Networkia.

From Hoverround

Dear Net,

From Daily luvin
I need your help. I get hornier with every response Dr. Date gives his readers. What should I do? Make a move on his dating advice and finally show him a thing or two in the Bible of love, or please myself daily with the Daily? Net: We don’t usually do this, but …

Luvin everyday,

From: Wasteofmytime
As I was NUTTing this nice senior last weekend, Net: We hope you mean FUTTing. she was down there, and I was thinking “What could this University do without?” I ‘came’ up with a list. Net: Like we say, there’s nothing like a job from a nice senior to free a man’s mind. Let’s see what jewels come out of your mouth when your jewels were in her mouth …

1- Freshmen
2- CSOMers
Net: Solid, solid
3- Sconie neighbors
4- Uggs
Net: True, trite
5- Farmville
6- The Asian Invasion
Net: Aren’t these the same?

PB
From: Onceagaingopher

Dear Net, Long time reader, first time ... uh, typer? Net: Slobberer, we think is the preferred term. I got back this year for grad school and noticed my beloved SCB is now gone. Here is a haiku in memoriam.

Gloomy-maze-pit of doom
Pocked concrete, smells of old socks
I miss your leg room Net: Little buddy’s gone to the great fishbowl in the sky.

From: shrimponthebarbie Net: That sick game that all the little boys do with the little girls’ dolls?