Network

>

Welcome back, Networkia! Did you miss us? We know we missed you in a "you're all really annoying but we can't quite get enough of you" kind of way. Touching, we know. And what about class … did you miss that? Not even a little bit? Seriously? If we were you, we'd be thrilled to learn about macro-economics at 8 in the morning … nothing says "rise and shine" like a good, refreshing lecture (it's better than a warm shower, right?). And in case you were wondering, NOTHING happened on campus while you were gone. Nothing.

>Well, aren't you excited? Today is the last day you'll consciously remember for a whole week. Yes, the next seven days will just be a blur of booze, drugs and naked streaking (who's with us?). You, good reader of Network, are a college student. That means you have a reputation to live up to (actually it's more like living DOWN to). We in the lair fully expect you to drink until you puke, yell a bunch of sh-t you'll sorely regret and get arrested at least three times. Now go out there and do us proud!

>Cry me a river! You don't think there should be class tomorrow because it's the Friday before spring break? You have a plane to catch so you can go act like a moron in Cancun? You feel you have the right to sleep in? Tough luck! Since you are a pathetic human, you are expected to have a five-day work week. That means Fridays, too. And, you being the inferior race, we expect you to do as we say. Now good old Net on the other hand, we pretty much work on our own schedule. Monday was "eat all the chocolate ice cream we could" day.

>Spring…break…is…almost…here…but…this…week… (and…this…column)…are…moving…soooooooooo…slowly. Isn't it excruciating? We thought so too. So, what are your break plans, Networkia? Going to Cancun so you can appear in the next installment of "Girls Gone Wild?" Very classy career move. Actually, we doubt that. Most of you reading this right now are what are commonly known as "dweebs." By definition, a dweeb would never go to Cancun for spring break.

>We're pissed. Not because it's only Tuesday. Not because we have to read your BS letters. Not even because Wyoming somehow found its way onto national television last week. No, we're mad about a mouse. Yes, a mouse … the mouse that has been scurrying through the lair lately. Now, you'd think an almighty tentacled brain would be able to catch a little mouse, but, alas, the little rodent has eluded the mighty Net, so far. At first, we thought it'd be easy enough to lure the little bugger out with some cheese and then crush it with a giant tentacle when he came out.

>Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays! Yeah, you … you don't look too good this morning. Your hair is a little ratty and you could have really used a shower. Plus, those clothes you've worn all weekend? They probably belong in the wash (maybe even for two cycles, you filthy scum). We also have a hunch that your 8 a.m. class isn't too appreciative of your unbrushed, stanky mouth. Is it too much to ask for you to get your lazy ass in gear for Monday? We know it was a loooooong weekend, we know you got totally smashed and we know that hangover is still ringing.

>Friday again, folks! Yes, your loyal brain in a vat loves weekends as much as the next guy. Typically, our Friday night involves a trip to Sally's (we get a VIP room … that's why you've never seen us). After getting a little tipsy, we zig-zaggedly slither our way back to the lair (we've gotten a few "disorderly sliminess" tickets in our time). Once back in the friendly confines of our dank underground home, we like to dim the lights, get the new hot tub bubblin' and get a little freaky tentacle sex going. Yeah, Fridays are decent.

>Happy Thursday, Networkia! We have a little update for ya that we'd like to pass along: As you know, the column was in Spanish yesterday in an effort to branch out to a wider audience (We're a very worldly tentacled brain, you know). Anyways, what we thought was a nice little gesture actually got a few folks up in arms. First, we got a call from our dear friends, the Campus Republicans (the group that proves you're never too young to act like an old curmudgeon).

>Hola amigos (y amigas). Cómo estás? Hemos decidido escribir hoy en español tan nosotros podemos alcanzar una audiencia más grande. Si usted no lo quiere, aprieta por favor el botón de SAP en su periodico. Es posible que esto sea ni español, sice que utilizamos FREETRANSLATION.COM. Si usted quiere averiguar lo que decimos, vamos a este sitio web y la copia en toda nuestra jerigonza. Nosotros nos disculpamos a oradores españoles verdaderos si este NUTT no es realmente español.

Hidy-ho, Networkia! After taking a look at the esteemed editorial section ("where no piece of trivial bullsh-t is left unwritten") of this fine paper yesterday, we stumbled upon a very offensive article. His Righteousness, John Hoff, claimed that Aramark ("where fine linen meets fine dining") was in fact the devil. While we hate UDS as much as the next tentacled brain, we think the "devil" claim may be a little intense … and disrespectful.