Network

Net: As the new Vice Provosts of Doom — see last week’s episode for you poor illiterate fools who missed the memo — we think it’s time to start foretelling some doom. In fact, let’s make this week “DOOM WEEK” with each day expounding upon a new doomish prophecy. As this is day one of DOOM WEEK, let’s get the obvious impending expectation of devastation and death out of the way: PIG POX!

From George Malone
Net: Georgey boy! Looking a little big around the middle since last time we met eh wut wut?

Hello NUTTers, we’ve got a fat stack of letters here in our hot little tentacles from all you twerps and we’re just oozing with toxic green joy juice to read them. The smell of axe body-spray and vomit wafting from in between the lines makes us feel we were on University Ave rather than down in hole. Networkia has been a’ buzz this past week, more buzzed even than a CSOMer at an early Monday executive seminar or a high school footballer riding in a helpchopter with da brewStar.

From Darwinistsaredumb

Rain rain, come today, rain real hard on Brewster’s game, wash our tentacles free of stains! Oh rainy days how we wish you were always there … that we might crawl up from my lair, some tasty freshman we might scare, chew their bones and sup their hair.

Heya Net.
Net: wassup brohan?? Just rappin’ to ourselves dawg, it’s all pretty good.

Now, Networkia, let’s get one thing straight right now: It’s the first week of school, and you might be all excited to go get your drink on, or get your party on, or get your viral-disease-acquiring on. We, the almighty Network, frankly couldn’t care less about it. Please direct all ‘We went out on Saturday night, and it was the BEEEEEEESTEST night ever!” letters to our pal and local imbecile, Dr. Date. Unless there is bloodshed involved. Then we’ll gladly hear your war stories.

From Logged-out

First day back to school, and excitement abounds. Smell that? Is it the sweet, sweet scent of incoming first-year girlies for the frat boys, or the soiled jock straps of an already nearly shamed Gophers football squad? Only you can tell for sure.

From NetWorkedOver

Net: Network recently received yet another NUTTing letter from RailSplitter, the pathetic would-be president that wrote in last week.

From RailSplitter

From RailSplitter