Network

Publish Date: 
Mon, 04/21/2008
AP Article: 
Not AP Article

>Happy Monday, Networkia! Or, as most of you kids probably know today: 4/21. Now, we've heard stories about all the shenanigans that happen on this day, but we'd like to remind all of you to respect and obey the good people who enforce the law on a daily basis. Rules are in place for a reason, so always follow each and every one of them. And the police should always be treated with utmost amount of respect - they are fine, upstanding citizens. And lastly, if you can't tell what sarcasm is, please stop reading this column and go enroll in Carlson. We don't need you.

Temp Reporter: 
Story Attributes
Breaking News: 
Not Breaking News
Front Page Feature: 
Not Front Page Feature
Section Feature: 
Not Section Feature
Weekend Sports: 
Not Weekend Sports
Publish Date: 
Fri, 04/18/2008
AP Article: 
Not AP Article

>Another glorious Friday, Networkia! And while the weather is nice, we were actually making reference to the vote being in on "The Net of Choice 2008!" For those of you who don't remember (which means you didn't vote, which means we'll have to kill you), we asked you folks earlier this week to decide if you liked smiley-faced Net or frowny-faced Net. Well, after going through the over 3 billion votes (we're internationally known, homie), we've decided that we don't care much for democracy.

Temp Reporter: 
Story Attributes
Breaking News: 
Not Breaking News
Front Page Feature: 
Not Front Page Feature
Section Feature: 
Not Section Feature
Weekend Sports: 
Not Weekend Sports
Publish Date: 
Thu, 04/17/2008
AP Article: 
Not AP Article

.Networkia, how are you? We're doing pretty good in the lair, we have to admit. We cracked open a few sewer vents above us and caught some of that nice, spring breeze. Boy has it been windy! In fact, we saw a few Barbie-doll sorority chicks (you know, the ones who like to microwave themselves to brown and don't like to eat?) get blown right out of their Ugg boots and right off of campus. Guess North Face jackets are no match for a strong gust. We hope they landed softly on a flagpole or radio antenna somewhere.

Temp Reporter: 
Story Attributes
Breaking News: 
Not Breaking News
Front Page Feature: 
Not Front Page Feature
Section Feature: 
Not Section Feature
Weekend Sports: 
Not Weekend Sports
Publish Date: 
Wed, 04/16/2008
AP Article: 
Not AP Article

>So, Networkia, did you pay your taxes? Knowing you lot, we bet you think it's "cool" to evade the taxman. Well, just to let you know, the IRS pays us a handsome sum to be an enforcer. Morally, we don't really like doing it … but hell, the money is good! So, all you little punks trying to dodge The Man, you'll be seeing us at your door soon, with sleeves rolled up. Don't want to pay up? Get ready for a tentacle across the face.

Temp Reporter: 
Story Attributes
Breaking News: 
Not Breaking News
Front Page Feature: 
Not Front Page Feature
Section Feature: 
Not Section Feature
Weekend Sports: 
Not Weekend Sports
Publish Date: 
Tue, 04/15/2008
AP Article: 
Not AP Article

>Networkia, you may have noticed a softer, gentler Net yesterday. In fact, we're sure you noticed, judging by the angry calls and hate mail that poured in. Well, we're here to set the record straight: After receiving some complaint mail last week, saying we were too mean, Mrs. Net shipped our butt off to anger management. "You've been harassing those poor kids for too long!" she told us. So, we got set up with a shrink, and the dude told us that it may help if we replaced all of our angry thoughts with happy thoughts … including here in this very column.

Temp Reporter: 
Story Attributes
Breaking News: 
Not Breaking News
Front Page Feature: 
Not Front Page Feature
Section Feature: 
Not Section Feature
Weekend Sports: 
Not Weekend Sports
Publish Date: 
Mon, 04/14/2008
AP Article: 
Not AP Article

Hidy-ho, Networkia! What a beautiful, sunshiny day! We just feel so cheerful and happy today! The skies are blue, the grass is green and life is good! Absolutely nothing is wrong or bothering us. We're like a new Net. No more ridiculing, bashing or embarrassing you fine folks. No sir. We're a changed tentacled brain. Starting today, you're going to see the positive vibes pouring out of Backtalk. To start with, let us say that we love Doctor Date. He's like a brother to us. Networkia, we suggest you put on a smile, just like us. Go out there and make your mothers proud!

Temp Reporter: 
Story Attributes
Breaking News: 
Not Breaking News
Front Page Feature: 
Not Front Page Feature
Section Feature: 
Not Section Feature
Weekend Sports: 
Not Weekend Sports
Publish Date: 
Fri, 04/11/2008
AP Article: 
Not AP Article

>Congratulations, Mark N. Best of luck making the 2 percent of campus who actually voted for you happy. We're sure you'll do a great job of getting nothing done and fading into anonymity. On a different note, we've gotten some hate mail here in the lair, recently, saying we're being too mean.

Temp Reporter: 
Story Attributes
Breaking News: 
Not Breaking News
Front Page Feature: 
Not Front Page Feature
Section Feature: 
Not Section Feature
Weekend Sports: 
Not Weekend Sports
Publish Date: 
Thu, 04/10/2008
AP Article: 
Not AP Article

>And the MSA winner is … who cares??? (Actually, we wrote this before 8:00 p.m. on Wednesday, so we don't actually know who won. But even if we did, we wouldn't care.) Whoever won the majority of the five votes should be proud … it's not every day that three people actually care who you are. And Networkia, put a smile on your face because you can expect a year of broken promises, political prattle and overall worthless leadership. But then again, that's no different than the Bush administration, so who can fault these MSA kids?

Temp Reporter: 
Story Attributes
Breaking News: 
Not Breaking News
Front Page Feature: 
Not Front Page Feature
Section Feature: 
Not Section Feature
Weekend Sports: 
Not Weekend Sports
Publish Date: 
Wed, 04/09/2008
AP Article: 
Not AP Article

>Hey Networkia, make sure to follow the pretty chalk to the polls! That's right, it's MSA election season, and your vote really CAN make a difference. That's because when only 5 people vote in total, your vote is worth a whopping 20 percent. Think about that…you can decide whether Mark is elected or whether…umm…Mark is elected. Honestly, couldn't one of you go with a nickname or something? We already don't have any idea who the hell you are, and on top of that you have the same names? That's just not fair!

Temp Reporter: 
Story Attributes
Breaking News: 
Not Breaking News
Front Page Feature: 
Not Front Page Feature
Section Feature: 
Not Section Feature
Weekend Sports: 
Not Weekend Sports
Publish Date: 
Tue, 04/08/2008
AP Article: 
Not AP Article

>Ooooh … brick being laid at the stadium today. How very exciting! We bet next week they're gonna let the public come and watch the paint dry. We're getting sick of the hype train that is TCF Bank Stadium, mainly because the team that's gonna head out onto the new green grass is going to stink. Seriously, we couldn't beat the sisters of the poor last year (and by that we mean Bowling Green and Northwestern). Timmy Brewster couldn't find a 'W' if you stapled a map to the inside of his eyelids. We saw in the news that he got paid $1 million per win last year.

Temp Reporter: 
Story Attributes
Breaking News: 
Not Breaking News
Front Page Feature: 
Not Front Page Feature
Section Feature: 
Not Section Feature
Weekend Sports: 
Not Weekend Sports
Minnesota Daily Serving the University of Minnesota Community since 1900