Dear Dr. Date,
I’ve been seeing this one guy for a few weeks now and things have been weird. The things I like about him so far are as follows: He’s cute, he skates (love) and he is really funny. Things I dislike about him are as follows: He lives half an hour away and doesn’t have a car, so I end up driving a ton whenever we hang out, and he might be really dumb.
I repeat, Doc, he might be really, really dumb. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there have been some small instances that make me suspect he’s an idiot. I was wearing my NPR snapback one time when we hung out, and he had no idea what NPR was. Like, what? Also, I was telling him about how “Twin Peaks” is a cult hit series and he thought “cult hit” meant the show was about cults. Lastly, he made fun of my favorite fluffy shoes.
Should I pull the plug on things with this dude? I don’t want to be wasting my time with someone who isn’t on the same mental level as me, you know? Part of me definitely thinks I may be being too harsh, but I just don’t know.
This all sound an awful lot like something that would happen on a throwaway episode of “Twin Peaks,” except, like, if it was in 2016 but this dude just didn’t have the internet. I don’t know what kind of goofball doesn’t know about NPR, but I’d say more likely than not, he might be pretty dumb.
The only saving grace I see here is that he What Are Those’d your shoes. I mean, honestly, one of his best traits in your book is the fact that he’s a skater? Homie, any man that is more attractive to you because he uses wheels to move slightly faster than walking pace isn’t worth the $80 bucket hat on his head. Bang.
Honestly, it just sounds to me like a future with him would involve you driving a ton and needing to explain normal facets of culture. How’s he gonna fare when you not only tell him about Frank Ocean, but also how the world needs him now more than ever? That’s a can of worms that doesn’t need to be opened. There are secret dummies and explicit ones; neither kind is worth it.
Dear Dr. Date,
Long story short, I was masturbating in my room the other day and my boyfriend walked in on me. I was full-on in the middle of the act, and I was so in the zone that I didn’t hear him coming through the front door.
Now he’s really upset with me because he feels like I was practicing some self love because he isn’t good enough or something. I really care about him and I want him to know he is more than adequate for me in that department, but he doesn’t believe me when I tell him.
Can you help me get through to him? Our relationship means a lot to me, and it’s awful to see him feeling so sad.
Just like hookah pens and off-brand condoms, egos are fragile things. I can see how this guy might feel a little off-put by what he stumbled into, but the truth is that he needs to chill. Self-love is healthy, homie. I’ll send my most valuable possession — a burlap sack filled with my fancy socks — his way if he can look me dead in the face and tell me he never jacks it from time to time.
It sounds to me like you’re doing all you need to do by telling him that he’s still good enough for you. There’s hella times when love wrestling is totally the preferred method — after a relaxing night of binge-watching “Gossip Girl,” perhaps. But sometimes you just gotta enjoy some self time, and that’s the truth.
Also, let’s not breeze right past the fact that dude walked right in without knocking. Where are the manners? This is pretty much the main reason doors were invented: to give people the crucial five seconds needed to pretend like they weren’t up to something before someone sees them.